Ayame Sohma DADA Teacher!
by Shiemi
Summary: Meet the annoying and completely mad Ayame Sohma! 'from Fruits Basket' He is the new Hogwarts' DADA teacher in HP's 6th year. He will drive everyone insane! 'oneshots collection' You don't have to know Fruits Basket! Enjoy!
1. First Class

**Author's Notes: Insanity hit me. I know. Sorry this is short, but this is the first chapter of crazy parodies I'll be posting, all featuring my favorite character from Fruits Basket, Ayame Sohma as DADA teacher. They will be all short until my insanity stops. **

**Enjoy!**

**Ayame Sohma DADA Teacher!**

It was the first day at Hogwarts in 6th year when Dumbledore introduced the students to their new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher. Reminding everyone of Umbridge Professor Sohma stood to make a speech. Everyone was already making disgusted expressions when the tall gorgeous man with long platinum hair started to speak:

"Good evening Hogwarts' students! It is my pleasure to be here with you to not only teach you Defense Against the Dark Arts, but also everything you will need to be successful in life. That means that you will learn everything from dealing with stress, your sexuality, your physical needs, everything! From this day onwards I want you all to know that in case you desperately need release, come to me! Everyone bring their desires to me! This is very important as we want to avoid teen pregnancy at all costs! Thank you!"

Ron looked at Harry: "Is that guy mental or what?" Harry was laughing out loud with the rest of the students, but Hermione was disgusted.

"I just hope that he will teach us properly! After Umbridge we do need a real DADA teacher, you know! I wonder what Dumbledore was thinking when he hired that man!"

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**First Class**

The students arrived at the classroom for their first N.E.W.T. level class. Hermione was almost jumping with joy thinking about all those advanced spells they would learn and sat happily. Ayame arrived in the classroom and as he stood in front of the class he put his long mane to his back with a graceful gesture: "Today we are going to learn about the art of making love. That is a very important art that will help you through your lives! As they say: 'Make Love! Not War!' Now I need...

Hermione, horrified, had raised her hand desperately. She had to remind the teacher about the real purpose of the class and what was really discussed in the first chapter of the book that had been assigned for the 6th year. Ayame quickly pointed to her: "Your name, please?"

"Hermione Granger! Sir..."

"As everyone can see, Miss Granger has just offered to be our female subject! Miss Granger! Get here in front of the class!"

Hermione found that everyone was staring at her and she had no choice, but to join Professor Sohma in front of the whole classroom. "Sir..."

"Now we need a male subject! Let's see now! You, the blonde sitting between two gorillas! Yes! You! What is your name?"

"Draco Malfoy, sir."

"Get here, Mr. Malfoy! Now you will kiss Miss Granger in front of the class as the first part of making love!"

Both Draco and Hermione reacted: "WHAT?"

"I cannot kiss a filthy Mudblood!"

"I cannot kiss this git!"

"Now now, you see why we need to learn all about love? If you don't kiss you will have detention, with me of course, all year long! Although my detentions are beautiful I can assure you, and there is so much I can teach about carnal needs and desires and..."

In seconds Hermione and Draco were French kissing in front of the whole class. It seemed that they had preferred the kiss to having detention with a madman.

"Now that wasn't so bad, was it? Now everyone will kiss each other! Doesn't matter the sexual preference! Doesn't matter what house you belong to! Just kiss! Unless you want to have detention with me for a whole year, which is not so bad of course, as I was explaining because..."

Everyone was kissing each other.


	2. Snape and the Snake 1

**Note: For those that don't know Ayame Sohma, he is cursed and turns into a snake if weak, in cold weather, or when hugged by a female. **

**Snape and the Snake 1**

**After the class**

"I can't believe I had to kiss Malfoy! That teacher is mad! I have to speak to Dumbledore!"

"Why are you complaining, Hermione? Harry and I had to kiss each other! It was horrible I tell ya!" Harry nodded at the redhead's remark, but Neville joined in.

"You two shouldn't complain either. No one wanted to kiss with me and I was left by myself so I had to kiss Trevor during the whole class! Then to make matters worse I had to stay behind to receive a speech about the dangers of Bestialism if done incorrectly!"

"That's enough! I'm going to Dumbledore! Anyone knows the password?" All look at each other and shake their heads.

**In the Great Hall at Dinner**

The teachers were sitting on the table to have dinner when Ayame arrived happily and gave Snape a curious look.

"Hey Severus! I've been worried about you. You keep wrinkling all over and you're not that old. With that ability with potions you possess you really should consider making a potion to make all those wrinkles fade from your face! And that skin of yours... You need moisturizing lotion in that body of yours! If you keep your skin like that you'll soon feel like a crocodile! Believe me! I know what being a reptile feels like! Although about moisturizing... That hair of yours has it in excess! Here we go again, Severus. Can't you make a potion to get rid of all that grease! It's embarrassing, you know? Everyoone will think that you don't bath nor wash your hair! Come to my quarters tonight, Severus! I will moisturize that body of yours and make all that grease from your hair disappear in no time! As a bonus we can have a bath together, I'll give you a massage and a facial, and then we can lie down naked in my bed and do it in all the ways. You are too stressed so I considered that you also desperately need some release. I am here to make all your dreams come true, so you can use me all you want. What do you think? Severus? Severus? Your face is wrinkling even more! Everyone! Step aside! I think he's gonna blow!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FILTHY FREAK OF NATURE!"

"Talking about filthy! That's how that hair of yours is, Severus! With all that grease it's obvious that you haven't washed it in a while! And your teeth are yellow! Don't tell me you don't have a teeth whitening potion. Bad, bad, bad! And that bad breath of yours! You should do something about that too! Really! Come to my quarters tonight! It will do you good!"

The rest of the teachers were trying to make Ayame shut his mouth while Severus was suddenly strangling the younger teacher.

In the tables all of the students were watching.

"I think Snape wants to kill him", stated Harry.

"Wouldn't be a great loss in my opinion!", replied Hermione.

"Hermione! How can you say that about a teacher?", Ron looked at her with awe.

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**Yaiiii! A review! Well, the rating is just in case and for insinuations. **


	3. Second Class

**Note: These are more like crazy drabbles... I think. Enjoy! **

**Next will be: Snape and the Snake 2**

**Second Class**

The 6th year students from N.E.W.T level Defense Against the Dark Arts arrived at their classroom hoping that at least the class that day would be about really learning how to defend themselves againt dark spells. Everyone sat down and took their books out while Professor Sohma wrote something on the blackboard.

In silence everyone waited. although Draco Malfoy was nervous in his chair throwing glares at Hermione while the girl did the same to him. Ron and Harry had seated in extreme opposites of the room hoping they wouldn't end up doing anything together. Neville, who always had Trevor with him, had left the toad in Gryffindor Tower just in case.

Finally after a few minutes Ayame finished writing on the blackboard, but then the students noticed it wasn't just writing. The board was full of drawings of strange costumes.

Clearing his throat the teacher started to speak: "As you might know or might find out today I make dresses and clothes secularly. I have even opened a branch of my store in Hogmeade so in your first weekend there you might want to take a look! It's a marvelous shop! I'm sure you will enjoy it! Here in the board I have drawn some of the exquisite examples of clothing you might find in my shop.They are all Muggle style as I love Muggle fashion tendencies. This one here is a mini nurse uniform and this one here is a mini maid uniform. This one of course is a mini wedding dress and this one is a mini housewife style dress that includes a pink apron with flower and butterfly prints. This is a mini police officer uniform and this last one is a mini flight attendant uniform. I am currently working on those models as in two weeks you will all dress with these. Boys! I can see your perverted smiles thinking about the girls in mini dresses! Bad, bad, bad!"

No one in the class was smiling. All had looks of horror.

"Now, in this light blue basket you will find small parchments with the costume you will have to wear. According to your costume I will measure you to make your dress. Now make a queue here to choose your uniform. Come on! Don't be shy! After you pick up your dress for that day you will check this list to see who will be your date. I did it at random so you might have gotten anyone. This will be so much fun!" Ayame's eyes were shining. "After you verify your date come to me so I can measure you up!"

The students wore horrified expressions as they picked up their uniforms. Draco was already complaining: "I will not dress like a female Muggle law officer! No one will make me! And what?" Draco was checking the dates' list. "Me with Longbottom? No way!"

Harry looked like someone had died as he approached his friends. Ayame had already measured him. Ron had to ask: "So? How did it go?"

Harry, with a somber expression replied: "I got a wedding dress... and Goyle."

Ron flinched: "Well, I got the nurse uniform and Parkinson..."

Both boys looked at Hermione, who looked like she would explode.

"So? What did you get, Hermione?"

The girl looked at them and spat: "I'm a housewife. Can you believe it? I'm a housewife for goodness sake!"

Harry then asked her: "What about your date?"

"Not bad I guess... I am with Dean Thomas", replied the girl before adding again: "But a housewife? A housewife?"

Suddenly they heard the teacher making some sort of announcement: "These are good measures Miss Brown! BOYS! YOU MIGHT WANT TO DATE THIS GIRL! HER CUP IS DOUBLE D!"

Lavender ran out of the room feeling humiliated.

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	4. Snape and the Snake 2

**Enjoy!**

**Snape and the Snake 2**

Harry Potter had landed in his tenth detention with the Potions master in just three weeks. Even Professor McGonagall had a talk with the boy about learning to control his mouth a bit. So far the language the teen had used against his least favorite teacher had been quite foul, thus getting the green-eyed hero into more detentions than any normal student could handle, and to make matters worse, all with Snape of course.

Ayame Sohma, DADA teacher, had noticed the so many detentions in a row and decided to confirm the scary suspicions he had. He had stated his suspicions to the Headmaster and the rest of the faculty, but everyone seemed to ignore him so he had to take the matters into his own hands. If no one was going to save The-Boy-Who-Lived then he would do it. The teenage hero of the wizarding world needed heroes too to save him from scary perverted teachers after all.

Ayame knocked on the dungeon door that led to what Severus Snape called his office. An angry voice told the one knocking to come inside and the color of the black haired wizard drained completely from his face as he saw the platinum long haired young teacher waltz in with great grace actually.

"Severus! How's it going?"

The other teacher mumbled something that sounded like 'insufferable vermin that deserve a horrible and painful death' before making a fake smile that made him look scarier than he already was: "Why Ayame, what brings you into my dungeon tonight? Needed a poison to commit suicide? You do know I have several available and if you need an instant death one I can brew it in only a matter of minutes."

Harry raised his eyes from the corner where he was opening eathworms and throwing their entrails into a bucket and the empty bodies into another bucket with bare hands. The boy wondered what in the world had made the crazy DADA teacher come for a visit. Harry thought that if he had been a teacher he would have never pranced into Snape's office unless some ungodly force of nature had brought him there.

"You are always so funny, Severus. I like your little jokes, but no my darling. I love life, you see? Life is so precious that you cannot just waste it, you know? I can show you so many happy things from life, Severus! My invitation is still standing as you definitely need so much release from all that tension..."

"JUST STATE WHY YOU ARE HERE!"

"Riiiiiiiiiight. The thing is Severus that I've been worried about Harry Potter." Emerald orbs rose again from the earthworm buckets in curiosity. "The boy has had too many detentions with you lately and there are rumours."

Severus asked through clenched teeth: "What kind of rumours?"

"Well, you know... They say that you put Harry in detention to satisfy your animalistic needs. You observe the boy carefully while he does whatever nasty deed you make him do, and that turns you on. Then you use potions to turn Mr. Potter into your slave and after you use him for a while you let him go. Don't look at me like that, Severus. Those are the rumours, you see? I can see that Harry is... opening worms and emptying their insides in a bucket. What kind of perverted purpose do you have in making the boy do that, Severus? That is just gross."

"Out!"

"Already want to take Potter, Severus? The boy's hands are filthy. I wouldn't take him right now if I were you. Not that I would even consider doing it with a student... That is just... Well, that's what the rumours say after all... I wanted to know if it was true, Severus. Are you really taking Harry Potter's body against his will everytime you give him detention? Of course, if the truth is that you have a steamy and passionate relationship with The-Boy-Who-Lived my lips will be sealed."

"OUT!"

"So desperate, are we? You shouldn't do that, Severus. Look, the boy looks scared! I will have to report this to the Headmaster."

Harry looked scared, but not because he thought Severus would rape him or anything. Harry's reasons were fear for Ayame's life and well being actually. The way the DADA teacher had bluntly made such disgusting insinuations could definitely award the gorgeous teacher possible incineration by Snape's part.

"The-There's nothing between me and Professor Snape, Professor Sohma. R-R-Really!"

"By Merlin! You look so scared, Harry! Has Severus been..." Ayame gulped. "...raping you?" The boy shook his head sending glances towards Snape. "The body language is obvious. Severus has been abusing you during all these detentions as I feared and you are scared of him doing something worse now. I will save you, Mr. Potter. Come with me. I will take you to my quarters and give you a relaxing bath and a massage before sending you to bed in Gryffindor Tower. You'll feel better in no time."

"HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF DOING PERVERTED THINGS WHEN THE ONLY PERVERTED FREAK IN THIS ROOM IS YOU!" Snape spat all over Ayame with the words Uncle Vernon style. "POTTER! LEAVE NOW!"

Harry didn't have to think twice. He quickly grabbed his things and fled from the dungeon. He didn't need to watch another murder in front of his eyes.

"We are alone now, Ayame...", smirked Snape and the other gulped.

"Were you planning on making the boy leave to have me instead, Severus? Not that I would mind, but I am kind of delicate, you know? Don't be too rough on me."

"You will undo those rumours you say exist and I don't want to hear about them ever again. Is that clear?", whispered Snape.

"So you are not abusing Mr. Potter or do you just want to hide it?"

Severus got his wand out of his robes and Ayame didn't stay to wait. The DADA teacher fled from the dungeon just like Harry before him.

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**Reviews are such a nice thing! I'm glad there are readers enjoying this! Thank you all! Hope you enjoyed this one as well! More coming up soon! **


	5. The Uniforms Class

**The Uniforms Class**

"I am so sorry that I didn't have all of the uniforms ready in two weeks like I had promised, but now in the fourth week they are ready! Everyone ready to change to your uniform? I have even brought a camera so that I will take pictures that will be exhibited through all of Hogwarts in Halloween! Isn't it great?"

The sixth year DADA students had been hoping that their professor had forgotten about the dressing up thing. So far the classes had been all about learning to kiss, learning to hug, learning to cuddle... Not only that, they even had a stylist class where they had to learn how to properly do your hair, how to shampoo correctly, and how to condition hair correctly. Ron had a hard time trying to do Hermione's hair and there had been incidents in which students had ended with a rainbow of colors in their manes. Draco had ended up with pink hair, Seamus had green hair, Parvati had blue hair, Neville had his hair split into purple and canary yellow, and so on. Ayame had actually fixed the problem, but needed help from Professors McGonagall and Flitwick to undo all of the students' incorrect hair colors. Harry had been glad to stop being a blonde and Ron was relieved to not look like an elderly person with gray hair. Hermione had gotten her hair orange and didn't let Ayame flick his wand over her hair. The girl had patiently waited for Prof. McGonagall to fix her.

The students were horrified to see the perfectly laundered and ironed uniforms. No one wanted to change, but they had to, even if it was against their will. Ayame seemed very happy and had completely ignored the fact that no one was smiling.

In a while all of the students were wearing their respective disguise and the teacher started to pair them up. The young faces, full of fear, wondered what they were supposed to do with their 'date'.

Draco was dressed like a police woman and was paired up with a maid Neville. Ayame pranced towards them and said: "Now Mr. Malfoy will give a nice and relaxing massage to Mr. Longbottom. Come on! Don't be shy, Mr. Malfoy! By Merlin! What's this? Is this hair in your legs, Mr. Longbottom? Oh! I am going to have a heart attack! You are not doing justice to this beautiful maid uniform! What about Mr. Malfoy?" Malfoy went scarlet. "Very good! No hair! Very good! Ten points for Slytherin! About Mr. Longbottom..." With a flick Neville's legs were hair free. "Better! Much better! Remember that when you wear mini dresses you are supposed to be hair free!"

Neville opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He was going to tell the DADA teacher that he didn't plan to use a mini dress ever, but decided against defending himself. He certainly didn't want Professor Sohma to send a letter to his grandmother... Meanwhile Hermione had made Ron and Harry's legs hairless too before they could even complain about it. The girl wondered why Malfoy would have had his legs hairless, though.

In minutes everyone was giving a massage to their partner. Goyle was wearing a flight attendant uniform and Harry, in mini wedding gown, was giving the gorilla student a massage with a disgusted expression.

The students couldn't even suspect that it would go worse when Ayame suddenly announced that they had to unstrap their partner's clothing, leaving the shoulder area naked, before proceeding with the massage.

The girls were more horrified than the boys when it came to naked shoulders, but Ayame reassured them or at least tried to do so. He told them that the dresses were not supposed to drop to the floor if that was a consolation.

Harry was even more disgusted when as he unstrapped Goyle's uniform he discovered that the Slytherin was hairy all over. Giving a massage to Gregory Goyle was like massaging some furry animal. Ron started to laugh as he watched Harry's dilemma. At least the redhead had a girl even if it was Pansy Parkinson, who coincidentially was also a nurse.

"Now change places!"

Harry thought that Goyle was trying to break his shoulders on purpose. He winced in pain with every massaging attempt from the other one, but that wasn't the worst of it.

"Now you will kiss your date!"

"WHAT?" All the students had asked in unison. One thing had been the first day where only Hermione and Draco had kissed sort of against their will. The rest of the students had seconds to actually choose someone.

Harry thought he would die. He couldn't possibly kiss Goyle! At that moment he really envied Hermione and Ron. At least they had dates of the opposite sex! Harry was still thinking about his problem when Goyle actually initiated.

"Very good! Very good! You can all stop now! We have improved a lot! I think we can start soon with the sexual education!"

All of the students shook their heads. They definitely didn't want to start on that one!

"Now for the pictures! Line up! Line up!"

**Thanks:**

**Menecarkawan**

**darkdranzer**

**YuriyTalaIvanov: Hmm... I guess he gets the ideas from an evil mastermind! Wait a minute! Isn't that me? Eek! **


	6. Snape and the Snake 3

**Crazy Author's Notes: Decided to go for a quick update! Enjoy!**

**Snape and the Snake 3**

Susan Bones started to scream in the middle of a corridor. She was going to spend her free period studying in the library when on her way she bumped into someone as she hadn't been very alert. The crash was quite deep as she almost ended up hugging whoever the person was, but the person disappeared. There were wizard robes in front of the Hufflepuff girl on the floor and Susan kept screaming and screaming in horror.

The doors opened in all of the classrooms and students started to look in curiosity and teachers like McGonagall, Flitwick, and Vector also came out of their classrooms along with their students to check what was going on, but Severus Snape arrived at the scene and when he saw the robes on the floor he smirked.

"Do not worry everyone." He looked at his colleagues. "You may continue with your classes. I will handle this."

The teachers and students returned to their classrooms and everything went silent, but Susan Bones kept trembling and she seemed even more frightened when the only person left with her was the Potions master, Severus Snape.

"Miss Bones, would you enlighten me on why do you have to alarm the whole school? Ten points from Hufflepuff for unnecessarily interrupting classes. Now please explain yourself."

"S-S-S-S-S..."

"I do not understand you, Miss Bones."

"A SNAKE! A SNAKE!"

"Are you trying to insult me, Miss Bones?"

"N-No! Snake... In... my..." The girl pointed at her bosom.

"You know I cannot put my hands in there, Miss Bones. If you do have a snake in there I would suggest you remove it yourself. I am already going through problems that affect my reputation thanks to an extremely annoying VERMIN!" Severus yelled the last word as if the person he was referring to could hear him. "I do not need anymore of those."

At that very moment a small head came out of the girl's robes. The creature was gray and it looked at Snape. There was silence for a few minutes as the serpent and the professor looked at each other, but the Potions master grabbed the creature and completely got it out from the place it had been hiding in between Susan Bones' breasts.

"Why if it isn't Slytherin's very own symbol in the flesh? A snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!" The Potions master seemed to over pronounce the last word on purpose, sneering.

The snake hanging from Severus Snape's hand spoke alarming the girl that was still kneeling on the floor with a frightened expression. "Why Severus? How are you today? Hope you've been feeling nice and dandy! Now can you put me down?"

"What have you been doing, Professor Sohma? Hugging girls through the aisles of the school?"

"I can assure you, Severus, that it wasn't on purpose. We bumped into each other."

"Sure, Ayame! And I am the Headmaster of this school, right? In which case you wouldn't even be here teaching?"

"Err, Severus? I was not lying... And your grip on my delicate neck is becoming a bit dangerous." The snake laughed nervously.

"What should I do with this serpent, Miss Bones?"

The girl simply trembled.

"Severus? Severus? You should just put me down. I can transform any second now and I will be... you know... naked? Unless you want so see my body, I can assure you it is beautiful..."

"Do not worry, Miss Bones. I will get rid of this creature for you! You can leave now!"

Susan ran out of there.

"Severus... You know I get cold easily so I needed the warmth of a human body..."

"Oh! Do not worry! Now I will take you to my quarters where I will skin you and then throw you into my fireplace. You'll get enough warmth there and I'll get an even nicer fire."

Severus grabbed the clothing that was on the floor with his free hand and wearing a disgusted expression and started the walk towards the dungeon.

"Severus? Severus? You didn't mean that, right? Severus?"

But Severus Snape kept walking with a smirk adorning his lips.

**Thanks to:**

**darkdranzer: He is special. I love him!**

**YuriyTalaIvanov**


	7. Sexual Education?

**Author's Notes: About why Snape knew Ayame was the snake... Hehehe! As this is the wizarding world and curses are an everyday issue I decided to make it that when Ayame applied for the teaching position he mentioned his curse for the record. The faculty is aware of the curse, but Dumbledore decided against the whole school knowing. On another note, corrected a mistake in ch. 5 where I had put 7th year students instead of 6th. A slight mistake, but glad I noticed. No one told me! lol **

**Enjoy! **

**The Aftermath**

Hermione, Ron, and Harry were walking out of a class when they saw their Potions master running after a snake. Not only that, many students coming out of classes stared at the odd scene in front of them thinking that perhaps they had started to lose their minds.

Harry was the first to ask: "What is Snape doing chasing after a snake?"

"Maybe it's a potion ingredient that escaped from his dungeon?", asked Ron in disbelief.

Hermione seemed even more confused: "That's not all! Professor Snape has Prof Sohma's robes in his hands!"

Harry laughed and suggested: "Maybe Sohma and Snape were doing something we shouldn't know about?"

Ron seemed confused at this and looked at Harry: "With a snake?"

The trio wore disgusted expressions before exclaiming: "Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

**Sexual Education?**

In the afternoon the 6th year students had their dreaded DADA class. The year before they had the horrible wench, Dolores Umbridge, but that year they had a complete lunatic! Harry was already thinking that he would have to start the DA club again and at least that time it wouldn't be clandestine. The only problem was making sure that Ayame Sohma wouldn't find out anyway or the insane teacher would boycott the meetings with some mad and perverted scheme.

Professor Sohma arrived at the classroom gasping for breath. He wasn't wearing his usual royal blue robes, but just a while before Hermione had noticed the teacher's favorite robes in Snape's hands. Ayame was wearing a purple robe with golden designs.

"Sorry I'm a tad late. I had an emergency and had to change my robes, but here I am now! Do not fear! Nothing has happened to your favorite teacher!"

The students wore gloomy faces and Ron surprised everyone by actually asking: "Why was Snape carrying your royal blue robes, sir?"

Ayame started to cough all of a sudden and some students snickered while others were simply confused.

"Err, well... Mr. Weasley, right?" The teacher laughed nervously. "I was with professor Snape and a dangerous potion spilled into my robes so Prof. Snape was simply getting my robes... Err... cleaned! Now for the class today..."

Ron continued: "By running after a snake with your robes in hand?"

Hermione looked horrified at her friend, but Ron seemed to be seriously wanting to know. Harry at first thought his redheaded friend was simply teasing the teacher, but by Ron's expression figured that the blue-eyed teen actually meant asking.

Ayame started to cough again uncontrollably and laughed nervously again. "The snake! Oh! The snake of course! That was just Severus' pet! After all he is a Slytherin... It escaped from Severus right when he was going to take my robes to the laudry room. Now back to the class today..."

"Are you sure you weren't doing anything naughty with Snape, sir? You do look nervous!" This time it was Seamus Finnegan interrupting.

"Me and Snape? No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no! Never! I already told you what happened and it's funny you bring that, Mr. Finnegan, as the class today is precisely about..."

"You and Snape would actually be cute, Professor Sohma!", exclaimed Parvati with a dreamy gaze.

Ayame almost tripped and held himself to his desk before stating: "Alright! There is nothing between me and Snape! Now back to class! Today..."

"What about Snape's pet? Why did it flee from its master?", asked Dean Thomas.

"Oh! That was really funny, really! He told the snake he would skin it if it didn't behave! It seemed that the snake understood!" Ayame laughed bitterly.

"So Snape is a Parslemouth?", asked Neville with obvious fear in his eyes.

Ayame laughed not so nervously at that. "No! He can't speak Parsletongue! I can assure that, Mr. Longbottom! Now will you let me teach?"

A cold voice came from the door. "You do not teach, Ayame, you annoy." The word 'annoy' was over pronounced. "Here are your robes, neat and clean."

"Why thank you, Severus! Do you plan to stay and see my class?"

"Who in their right mind would want that, Ayame?" The Potions master left, black robes gracefully billowing in his quick pace.

"So as I was saying, today we are going to start our sexual education sessions. I have noticed that the school doesn't have a sexual education class so it is my duty to incorporate it into our curriculum. So first of all, can anyone tell me how babies are made?"

No one raised their hands, but just then the bell rang and all of the students took their things and left in a flash.

**Thank you for your lovely reviews! Keep them coming!**


	8. The Cat and the Snake

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Author's Notes: This one is very short, but I hope you enjoy it anyway!

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**The Cat and the Snake**

Minerva McGonagall was busy preparing all her classes for the next day when she suddenly received an unexpected visit. Someone knocked on her office's door and she told the person to come in, while still writing notes on a piece of parchment.

A long haired twenty-seven year old feminine looking man with very long platinum hair pranced happily into the Transfiguration teacher's office, wearing a big smile on his face.

Without even raising her bespectacled eyes Minerva asked: "To what do I owe the pleasure of this nocturnal visit, Ayame?"

The wizard smiled happily before replying: "I am making a study, Minerva."

The witch kept taking notes busily, but spoke: "About what if I may ask?"

"About women of all ages, Minerva. I wanted to ask you a few questions as part of my study involves women going through menopause."

Minerva coughed and looked at the wizard: "Excuse me?"

"Well, Minerva. You are not exactly young, are you? So I wanted to know how has your libido been affected by going through menopause. There are women that actually have an increase in their libido, you know? Not that I would want to imagine you shagging Professor Dumbledore..."

The woman stood up all of a sudden before yelling: "WHAT?"

"In fact the thought is terribly disturbing... Just imagine, you and Albus naked. I just shudder at the thought. Wrinkled bodies and... Eww... I shouldn't have thought about that."

The Transfiguration teacher was red as a tomato and trembling with rage with her hands on her desk.

"Are you blushing, Minerva? I didn't know you had those kinds of feelings for Prof. Dumbledore... Did I offend you?"

"Get out of my office, Ayame", said Minerva trying to appear calm.

"I'm sorry, but what about my study?"

"The only thing you should be studying is how to help our school's students to defend themselves against the Dark Arts, Ayame. That doesn't include women in different stages." Minerva was trying to keep her calm, still.

"But my study is independent, Minerva! So... Are you or are you not going through menopause?"

Minerva was trembling and had a tick in one of her eyes. Her lower lip also started to tremble as she wanted to say something that just wouldn't come out.

"You haven't answered the question about your libido either. Have you been feeling horny lately?"

"GET OUT!"

"But..."

The menacing glare he received was scary enough and Ayame left wondering why Minerva had reacted like that.

**Thank you for your reviews!**


	9. Making Babies!

**Enjoy!**

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**Emergency Faculty Meeting**

Some days before Halloween the faculty of Hogwarts held an emergency meeting. All of the teachers were present in this meeting except for one, Ayame Sohma. The supposed to be Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher wasn't included as he was exactly the topic they were going to discuss.

As soon as all the teachers were seated and Albus Dumbledore arrived the meeting started with Professor McGonagall standing up to speak. "I believe I speak for everyone present here when I ask you, Albus, what in Merlin's name possessed you to hire such an eccentric person as Ayame Sohma. It is not that we disagree with your judgment, but I believe we all deserve an explanation." All of the teachers nodded in approval.

Dumbledore chuckled before replying: "Well, I do believe he is a strange fellow... Well, truth is that with everything that tends to happen every year to our DADA teachers no one wants the job. I published quite an announcement in _The Daily Prophet_ for anyone interested to teach the class to apply. As you may all suspect Mr. Sohma was the _only_ one to apply, of course mentioning for the record that he is under a strange curse that has something to do with the Chinese Zodiac. He is the snake of the Zodiac and as far as I know several members of the Sohma family are under this curse, each able to transform into an animal from that Zodiac."

"Going back to what is being discussed we have the situation of no one else wanting the job plus Ayame Sohma is also receiving protection", added Dumbledore.

All of the teachers looked at the Headmaster incredulously when he added this and Pomona Sprout asked: "Protection from what? Is he being targetted by Death Eaters?"

"As a matter of fact he has been targetted by Death Eaters. I do not know how it happened, but it seems that somehow he managed to insult a group of Death Eaters and they developed a grudge against him. It almost seems that Voldemort wants to kill Mr. Sohma himself for something our DADA teacher did or said." The teachers flinched at the name, but were still incredulous although it was actually believable in a certain sense that Ayame would turn himself into a target for anyone...

Severus Snape stood: "Albus, I have told you many times that I would gladly take the DADA teaching spot. I believe that it might be easier for you to find another Potions Master?"

Dumbledore lowered his eyes: "Actually Severus, Potions Masters are not very easy to find. It might even be more difficult to find someone for that job than for the DADA spot. We'll do something. As I believe everyone here has his or her doubts about our new teacher's skills and what he might be teaching our students each professor will surpervise one of his classes every week from this week onwards. Severus?" Severus, who had returned to his seat, got up. "You will be the first one to supervise." Severus' eyes looked like they would come out of its orbs, but nodded.

At that moment Ayame suddenly got into the room where the meeting was being held and everyone went silent. Ayame looked at all of the teachers' faces before asking: "Did someone die?"

Severus smirked before replying: "Not yet."

Ayame blinked three times and looked at the Headmaster. Albus smiled at the young teacher: "Ayame, I'm glad you've gotten here. We have been worried about our DADA students and for the next months your classes will be supervised once each week. Just once. I do hope that this won't make you uncomfortable?"

Ayame laughed: "Of course not! The more the merrier! My classes might be more enjoyable! Who will be the first to supervise?"

"Severus Snape will supervise your class tomorrow, Ayame. Is that alright with you?"

Ayame blinked several times again and looked at Snape, who in turn smirked at the young teacher. "Alright. Very well, then. Is that all?"

"That is all Ayame", answered Dumbledore.

**Making babies!**

Ayame arrived to teach his 6th year DADA class thinking of the fact that he would have Severus Snape on his next class. The students were simply staring at the teacher with fearful expressions. They knew very well that they were going to start the so called Sexual Education classes. "Is everyone ready?"

The whole class was silent expecting the worse and they all blinked when Ayame searched for something between his things and got a hot pink wand out of his purse like purple bag. There was no way that such a wand could have been sold by Ollivander so the students decided that Ayame's wand came from somewhere else that they didn't wish to know about. "Here it is! My darling! Daddy has neglected you lately, hasn't he?" The students exchanged glances, but there were looks of hope in those eyes. At the sight of a wand they wondered if at last they would have a proper DADA class. Hermione was one that seemed to want to start crying in relief.

Ayame kissed his pink wand before addressing the students: "Today we are going to learn how to make babies. After that we are going to learn how to protect our faces from unwanted disfiguring curses. We don't want our beautiful faces to get ruined do we?" The students didn't know whether to cry or laugh.

Hermione Granger surprised everyone by raising her hand. Harry tried to whisper to her: "Don't! You will only become his victim by raising your hand!"

Ron also tried the same as Harry: "'Mione! Have you gone mental? You want to be his test subject for making babies?"

Everyone breathed in relief when Ayame simply said: "Miss Granger! Do you want to ask something?"

"As a matter of fact, yes! How in Merlin's name will making babies help us in defeating dark wizards?"

Ayame grinned: "I thought the answer to that was fairly obvious Miss Granger. By multiplying the wizarding community will ensure that the numbers will be on our side."

Some of the students wore expressions of utter disbelief, Hermione included, while others covered their mouths because they were about to start laughing uncontrollably. "I am aware that we have a great example in this very classroom of what the wizard families should do to defeat the dark forces, right Mr. Weasley?" Ron turned scarlet and started to try hiding under his chair.

"Now, to continue our class... Mis Granger! Now that you know the answer to your question, can you get here in front of the class?", Ayame gesticulated for the girl to get to his side.

Harry gave Hermione a pitied gaze before making her read his lips: "I told you."

Suddenly Harry was startled when he heard his name being called. "Mr. Potter! I need you to get here too." Harry opened his eyes wide, but complied. At least it was with Hermione whatever he had to do...

Ayame addressed the students again: "You may be wondering why I have chosen these two students. Well, these two students are a fine example of what wizarding couples should be! Why? Because Miss Granger here..." He grabbed her by the arms from behind her. "...is a very smart witch. For intelligent children you will need a brainy mate." He freed Hermione and got behind Harry. "When it comes to magical abilities, that is also needed. A brainy mate with a powerful mate will definitely make astounding babies. Of course, it is important to be beautiful too and these two are at least cute, even when they will never be as beautiful as me. Anyway, Mr. Potter here must have excellent sperm, girls! After all, he almost vanquished You-Know-Who when he was just a baby! That means that he is indeed a very powerful wizard." Not only Harry's face was red, his hands had also changed to a very dark pink and it almost seemed that he would soon go into combustion. "I will obviously not make you have babies as you are still too young, but it is important that you know who you will mate with. Do you know all of the aspects of making a baby?" Everyone nodded, afraid that he would start explaining. "I'm glad!" With a flick of his wand Ayame summoned a flask and turned to Harry. "Mr. Potter, may I get a sample from you later on? I have just the images you need to make it for me." All of the students had definite looks of horror and Harry fainted.

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	10. Supervised Class

Author's Notes: Yeah... I think this Aya is even crazier than the FB one... 'snickers'

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**Enjoy!**

**After He Fainted**

Ayame was quite alarmed when he saw The-Boy-Who-Lived faint in front of the class. Hermione, who had been as red as a tomato after Ayame's teaching on searching for the 'proper mate', had been horrified about what Ayame was asking of her best friend. Certainly that had to be illegal! She quickly crouched on the floor trying to make Harry react. "Harry! Wake up! Harry! She looked in Ron's direction. The redhead had stood up from his seat and was quickly coming to check on Harry. "He's out cold, Ron! We have to take him to the hospital wing!"

Ayame started to laugh and said: "Do not fear! I will carry him to my quarters so that he can rest."

Ron reacted: "No, sir! Anything, but that!"

All of the students were still alarmed, although Draco smirked: "Yes Professor. I think Potter needs to wake up in your quarters, but would you give us a chance to take a picture of him on your bed?"

Ayame grinned: "Bad, bad, bad, Mr. Malfoy! I cannot let you do that or you might get me in trouble!"

Draco, frustrated, thought to himself: 'That was the idea.'

Ayame tried to pick up Harry, but returned the boy to the floor. "Oh! That won't be good on my delicate arms!" He took his wand and levitated Harry, but Ron and Hermione kept trying to grab their friend. "He'll be alright, Miss Granger. Class dismissed! We will learn about protecting our faces and delicate areas tomorrow."

With that Ayame left levitating Harry, but Ron and Hermione followed the teacher. Through the corridor Hermione even tried to convince Ayame of Harry needing the hospital wing to no avail. They finally arrived at the DADA's teachers quarters and the two conscious students had to cover their eyes as everything was so shiny in neon shades of pink, yellow, orange, blue, and green.

Ayame placed Harry on his bed and looked for a cottonball, pinned it between some large tweezers, moisted it in some substance, and put the cottonball close to Harry's nostrils making the boy react in seconds. "My my! You're awake! Are you feeling alright, Mr. Potter?"

Harry blinked several times before leaping backwards and falling off the bed. Ron and Hermione ran to his side and Hermione spoke: "It's alright, Harry. We're here too."

"For a second I thought I was alone with him!"

Ayame spoke: "Hey! That's rude! Being alone with me is the greatest experience anyone can have! About the sample I was asking of you, what have you decided?"

Harry yelled: "I'VE DECIDED THAT YOU ARE INSANE!" Ron and Hermione were horrrostruck for Harry yelling like that.

"Well, well, that will be ten points from Gryffindor, Mr. Potter... Plus you've just been awarded with detention with me for three Saturdays in a row! I have delicate ears, you know? You may leave." The teacher seemed cheerful even after that.

Harry's lower lip trembled. If he had never been looking forward to detentions with Snape he was definitely not looking forward to detentions with Sohma. He was sure of something though. Sohma was definitely crazy. The man had punished him for ruining delicate ears rather than for saying that the teacher was insane.

**Supervised Class**

The next day Ayame entered the classroom happily with another teacher behind him. Everyone looked at each other wondering why Snape had come to their class and the students were even more curious when the Potions Master sat on a chair as if he were another student. Lavender Brown quickly whispered to Parvati: "Supervised class? Is he on probation?"

Hermione seemed satisfied. She hoped Sohma was indeed on probation. So the guy wasn't bad and cruel as Umbridge, but he had to be the worst teacher they've ever had, still!

Harry, on the other hand, didn't look so good. The next day he was going to have his first detention with Sohma and the worst part was that it wasn't going to be the last. It was going to be the first of three.

Ayame cleared his throat about to start his class when Severus Snape interrupted by standing up. "Yes, Severus?"

"First, I want a student to tell me what did you teach yesterday. Mr. Finnegan!" The boy quickly stood up, very stiff and looking like a soldier. "Tell me, what did you learn yesterday?"

Seamus answered in a soldier like way: "We learned about the importance of making babies, sir!"

Severus raised an eyebrow and decided to ask more: "What else did you learn, Mr. Finnegan?"

Again the boy gave his answer as if he were a soldier: "We also learned about the importance of choosing an adequate mate, sir!"

Snape looked faint, but managed to ask: "And why is it so important in a DADA class to learn about making babies, Mr. Finnegan?"

"If we multiply a lot numbers will be on our side to fight dark wizards, sir!"

Snape's face had changed colour. First it looked blue, then green, then pink, but the wizard asked yet again with a weak voice: "Anything else you've learned, Mr. Finnegan?"

Seamus, still like a soldier, proceeded: "Yes sir! We also learned that wizarding couples should consist of power and brains, sir! It is better if one is smart and the other is good with magic to get astounding babies, sir! An example of this are Hermione Granger and Harry Potter, sir!"

Snape was looking green again: "Anything else?"

Seamus nodded before continuing: "We also learned that Harry Potter has good seed, sir! Professor Sohma even wanted to collect a sample of Harry's seed in a flask, sir!"

Snape was now horrified and asked Ayame through clenched teeth: "What in Merlin's name were you planning to do with 'that'?"

Ayame rolled his eyes gracefully: "That's fairly obvious, Severus! I was planning to use it in a potion!"

Snape was taken aback and raised an eyebrow: "You actually know how to brew potions? What's your specialty?"

"That is fairly obvious too, Severus!" Ayame's eyes twinkled. "I'm an expert in the art of making love potions! I'm quite proud of it actually!"

Snape muttered: "Why did I even ask?" Then he told Sohma: "You do know that using a student's seed for a love potion or any potion is illegal, right?"

Ayame blinked four times: "I didn't know that."

Snape sat back on the chair, covering his face with his hands, but then one of the hands moved to make an almost rude gesture for Ayame to continue with the class.

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**Thank you for your reviews! Keep them coming! Makes me happy! **


	11. Snape and the Snake 4

Author's Notes: Well, Seamus was answering soldier like because it was Snape the one asking the questions. I'm making a parody of Snape always wanting students to say 'sir' at the end of a sentence. Get the joke? 'wink' On the other hand, no, none of the students takes Ayame seriously, but none dare laugh it up in front of Snape... The guy is scary! Hope this explains it.

Short, but very funny I hope. Enjoy!

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**Defense?**

Ayame actually managed to give a nice class where he taught students how to shield their faces against disfiguring jinxes and how to protect their private parts so that none would end up getting sterilized in battle. Most students had suffering expressions, but Hermione was more than impressed. Sohma did know a thing or two as pathetic as those things were.

Severus Snape wasn't impressed at all. In fact he was disgusted, horrified, and embarrassed. Well, the one that had to be embarrassed was Ayame. The teacher was a disgrace and an embarrassment to the Faculty in all of the history of Hogwarts. Even the wolf could teach a proper class, although Snape was never going to admit it.

By the end of class all students knew how to protect their faces and lower parts with expertise. Actually Ayame had taught the spells in a very simple way that everyone could grasp. Even Hermione told her friends: "You know... If he actually decided to teach he might do a nice job at it!" Ron laughed, but Harry was still dreading the next day and only managed to groan. At least Snape had said that taking a student's seed was illegal. That had been one of Harry's fears in the first place, but was Sohma someone to abide by the rules? Harry had a bad feeling that Ayame was an egotistical and selfish person that only followed his own rules. In fact, Ayame would have sort of made a good Slytherin. Sort of.

"Now I've made sure that everyone of you will always have your cute little faces scarless. Well, except for Mr. Potter who is after all a special case, but at least he won't get any more scars, right Mr. Potter?" Ayame winked at Harry and the boy scowled. "Now I've also made sure that none of you will get sterilized! We don't want any of you to lose his balls or penis in battle, do we? Nor we want the girls to receive a spell that could make them lose their vaginal crevices!" All of the students turned bright red and Snape fell off his chair from the huge shock.

**Snape and the Snake 4**

Severus didn't even have the guts to take his report to Dumbledore. First he needed to drown himself in the greatest amount of brandy that was possible. When he was coherent again then he would bring his awful report. Surely the report would cost the snake his job. How could Dumbledore do this to him? How could Dumbledore hire that piece of garbage to teach the course he had always wanted to teach? Sohma was a disgrace in every humanly possible sense. He was a disgrace as a human being, a disgrace to life, a disgrace as a teacher, a disgrace as a wizard, a disgrace, a disgrace, a disgrace!

That night Severus kept drinking and drinking. The image of that class still haunted him. Why were the words balls, penises, and vaginas still on his mind? Potter's seed for Merlin's sake! What kind of DADA class was that anyway? Those words were not supposed to be linked with Defense Against the Dark Arts! And making babies to stop the dark wizards? He definitely needed something stronger and thus he looked for his bottle of firewhiskey. No, mixing drinks was not a good idea, but he decided to drown himself in the firewhiskey anyway.

The last thing Severus remembered before darkness claimed him was someone trying to make him react. It was an annoying voice, but he couldn't register who the person taking the bottle from his hands was.

Severus woke up and in front of his eyes was a beautiful sleeping face with long platinum hair. Who was that woman anyway? He didn't remember a woman with such description. The beauty also opened "her" eyes and both pairs of eyes locked with each other: black eyes with yellow eyes.

Snape's scream was heard in all of Hogwarts. Everyone wondered who had screamed, but many figured that the scream had come from the dungeons. The Slytherins were coming out of their common room looking down the dungeon corridors and some teachers were running toward Snape's quarters, including Dumbledore.

Inside of Snape's room the black haired wizard had his eyes almost out of his orbs. He hadn't bothered to dress his naked body yet, opting for draping himself in his silk black sheets. The usual greasy hair looked silky and had been rid of the grease: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU EVEN BATHED ME! I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THAT! AND WHY THE FUCK DO I SMELL LIKE A FLOWER!"

Ayame was putting on his clothes patiently and smiled his million dollar smile: "Oh! Calm down, Severus! I tried to make you react! And you needed a bath! You had quite an alcohol stench on you and that hair of yours was so greasy and smelly... I did you a favor! You were quite happy last night... You were even completely over me in bed..."

"WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL OVER YOU? AND I DON'T LIKE SMELLING LIKE A FUCKING FLOWER!"

"Err, Severus? Who is Adnyl? WhY we were doing it you kept calling me that. An ex?"

Snape turned scarlet: "GET OUT OF MY ROOMS, SNAKE!"

"You shouldn't treat me like that after all I've done for you, Severus! Plus there is the fact that if I get pregnant it will be all your fault!"

Snape was even angrier: "YOU'RE A MAN! YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT, AYAME!"

Ayame thought and replied with a smile: "This is FFnet, Severus. Men can get pregnant. Haven't you seen the huge amount of Male Pregnancy fics? In fact, you might have read some of them... That means I can get pregnant. Fans rule."

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, SNAKE! NOW GET OUUUUUUUUUUT!"

Someone cleared his throat and both teachers looked in that direction to see Dumbledore and several teachers there looking at them. Severus turned even more crimson holding the sheets even more over his body. Ayame was just finishing dressing.

Dumbledore chuckled: "I didn't know you were getting along so well, but I would like to be aware of intimate relationships in my staff."

Snape wanted to die on the spot.

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**Author's additional note: No. Aya won't get pregnant. That was just me having fun.**

**Thank you, thank you, thank you for your lovely reviews! Keep them coming! Yaiiiiiii! **


	12. 1st Detention with the Snake

**Not so funny, but...**

**Enjoy! **

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**1st Detention with the Snake**

Harry was in the Gryffindor common room watching the hours pass. In very little time he would be having his first detention with Ayame Sohma. To make matters worse there were horrible rumours going through school. Apparently Snape had been found naked, well, actually wrapped in nothing but his sheets and Ayame putting his clothes on. If the two were an item, at least in Harry's opinion it was something very ridiculous to conceive. Many girls were over the moon saying that there was romance blossoming between the DADA teacher and the Potions Master, but Harry knew better. That was utterly impossible. In fact he could bet a thousand galleons that Ayame had somehow trapped Snape in a strange situation. Not that Harry pitied Snape... In fact, he found it hilarious. At last someone was able to tick and infuriate Snape without actually losing points from his/her house. Ha!

The-Boy-Who-Lived sighed as he looked at the time and proceeded towards the exit through the portrait. On his way Seamus patted his back and Dean gave him a half smile. Hermione shook her head in a 'you asked for it' way while Ron gave him a sympathetic smile before saying: "You look like a calf that is about to be butchered."

Harry rolled his eyes and replied before actually exiting: "Gee, thanks Ron."

Ron laughed: "Anytime, mate! Just survive and don't get into bed with him."

Harry flinched at the last comment. It was a little joke going on ever since the morning scandal of Sohma and Snape. His detention had to coincide with the scandal that had led to so many rumours. Great.

Harry walked as slowly as possible, but in little time he was in front of the DADA teacher's office. Right before knocking he reached a final decision. He would reactivate the DA sessions. It was necessary. Sohma wasn't teaching real DADA and Harry desperately needed to know how to defend himself in order to vanquish the snake freak. He knocked at the door and a cheery voice answered: "Enter, Mr. Potter!"

The boy entered and looked at the teacher that was literally seated on his desk with legs crossed. "Soooo... What do I have to do? Lines?"

Ayame looked horrified: "Lines? Of course not! That is soooooo boooooring! I wouldn't be able to stand watching you writing lines! I cannot understand how a teacher can enjoy watching a student writing lines! Uggh! We are going to do something fun!"

Harry already wanted to start running out of there, but knew he couldn't. "W-What do you mean by fun? P-Puzzles? Ch-Chess?"

"Who plays Chess nowadays, Mr. Potter? Puzzles? Funny!" Ayame laughed a little before dropping from his sitting position on the desk. "No, young man! We are going to play dress up!"

Harry got on his knees: "Please sir! Anything, but that! Anything, but that!"

Ayame made a face as if he was a strict teacher. "If you oppose to it that means that it does make a great punishment! Now, put this on!"

Harry wanted to cry when he saw he had to wear a pink bodysuit with a ballerina tutu, but that was just the beginning and to make matters worse, Ayame took several pictures of every clothes change. After the ballerina Harry was a maid, then a robot, then Catwoman with a whip, then a nurse, then a doctor, then a sexy secretary, then a geisha in a red kimono, and finally a pumpkin.

Ayame looked at a very sour Harry in a pumpkin suit and suddenly said: "I was considering that instead of giving you detention next Saturday you could serve your detention on Thursday by being dressed like this during the Halloween celebration. What do you think?"

Harry suddenly thought to himself: 'What's worse? Having to be a dress up doll in private or humiliating myself in front of the whole school?' He imagined Malfoy pointing at him and laughing hysterically with the rest of Slytherin table. "I think I'll stick with detention on Saturday, sir."

Ayame seemed frustrated: "Oh! I thought you would be so cute on Thursday! Well, you'll come to this office next Saturday again, then!" The teacher looked at the time. "Oh! Still early! We can do something else now!"

Harry was already fearing what they could do next: "What are we going to do?"

Ayame went to the door and made sure that it was locked and added some silencing charms and more locking wards with his hot pink wand, then he looked at Harry. "Come to my room."

Harry was trembling with fear as he followed Ayame through the door that connected the office to his room. "W-What are we going to do here?"

Ayame looked for something under his mattress and signaled Harry to approach him, which Harry did with extreme caution. "You are sixteen, right?" Harry nodded. "Good! Don't you ever tell anyone I showed these to you."

Harry's eyes went wide with horror and he felt his whole body burning crimson as he saw Ayame's X-rated magazines. That night he wasn't going to be able to sleep! Unless...

XxXxX

At midnight Harry got to the common room to find Ron and Hermione waiting for him. They had been truly worried. Ron quickly grabbed Harry, who looked like he was about to pass out: "What did he do to you, mate? You look drained!"

Hermione stood and checked Harry's eyes. The green orbs looked a bit glazed behind the glasses. "Did he use an energy sapping spell on you?"

Harry was able to say with a raspy voice: "I just need my bed. Too tired. Exhausted. Sleep."

Ron helped his friend up the stairs while Hermione went upstairs to the girls' dormitory, still sending concerned glances. As they got to the room Ron asked again: "What in Merlin's name did he do to you?"

"He didn't touch me, Ron. Don't worry." With that Harry dropped on his bed without even bothering to take off his clothes nor glasses and in seconds he was asleep.

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	13. Halloween!

**Enjoy!**

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**Day After Detention**

Harry woke up the next morning and took a shower. He reddened in the shower as he remembered the images... The images with which the DADA teacher was... Perverting him! He had ended up in Sohma's bathroom doing himself, thrice. The teacher seemed happy about Harry spending so much time in the bathroom and Harry kept scanning the bathroom for anything weird, but his eyesight wasn't exactly at its best. That teacher was definitely weird. Harry even considered going to Dumbledore, but it would be humiliating to confess seeing pornographic material. No, he wouldn't go to Dumbledore. Better to leave things as they were. At that same moment he noticed he had hardened and cursed before turning the knob to cold water. He shrieked at the sudden chilled water over him.

Ron knocked at the bathroom's door: "Harry... Are you alright in there? Did you just scream?"

A high pitched voice replied: "I'm fine! Just fine!"

"What exactly did Sohma do to you?"

"Nothing!"

"Did you do something to yourself then?" There was complete silence at this question. "Harry?" Ron smirked. "Were you shagging some girl last night?" There was more silence. "If you keep being silent I'm going to enter..." The door opened all of a sudden and Harry's arms pulled Ron inside before locking the door again.

"Would you please stop trying to make me answer when the other guys can hear me?"

"Oh! Didn't consider that, but you know they might get strange thoughts anyway if they think that we are showering together now..."

The dripping wet Harry re-entered the shower changing the knob to warm to finish shampooing his hair. "Let them think whatever they wish to think. I just don't want them to hear about last night."

"What happened?"

"Sohma is a pervert. Happy now?"

"Did he rape you?"

"OF COURSE NOT!"

"Okay... So?"

"He showed me pornographic material."

"To get your seed? Did he get it?"

Harry was suddenly so disturbed by those last two questions that he slipped in the shower and Ron heard the 'thump' quickly getting to his feet and opening the curtain. "Are you alright, mate?"

"I think I broke something..." Harry seemed in pain and Ron gasped when he saw Harry's left leg in an odd angle.

Ron turned off the shower. "You need the hospital wing, mate, but does this mean he got your seed?"

"He might have somehow. That's why I lost myself and slipped. That madman planned it all! Now help me out!" Harry yelped as he tried to move his leg and Ron helped him.

**Halloween!**

Harry was able to walk before Thursday, although he spent two days mending bones in the hospital wing. It was truly embarrassing when the whole school learned that he had broken his leg by slipping in the shower... Especially when Malfoy kept mimicking someone slipping over a soap bar even when Harry hadn't actually slipped in that way. At least Harry wasn't going to be dressed as a pumpkin in Halloween day, right?

The grand day came and the first thing the Gryffindors noticed in their common room was a huge poster with a collage of Gryffindors in various mini costumes. Hermione looked terrified, but they thought that perhaps that poster was the only one of its species. Hermione was also able to guess that Sohma had done the same with all years and not only with 6th years as she had thought before.

The students left the common room for breakfast and soon all wore looks of deep horror. All of the castles walls were covered in posters of the students in costumes. Even some of the moving paintings had been covered with the magical posters that showed the students posing, smiling, winking, etc.

There was a sepulchral silence in the great hall and they could see that the great hall held pictures of all of the students individually. Harry wanted to die when he saw the picture of him in a mini wedding gown. In the picture he kept puttings his hand on his lips, kissing it, and throwing kisses while winking at the same time. At least Malfoy couldn't make fun of Harry when he had his own picture to worry about. It showed him dressed in sexy police officer uniform with a baton, holding the baton in a very strange way close to his mouth as if he were about to suck on it, but not really doing so. Harry even thought that had to be worse than his picture and laughed.

The teachers were scandalized with the pictures, especially when the Hogwarts boys were dressed like girls. Dumbledore on the other hand found it amusing and started to chuckle saying: "My, what a lively Halloween day we'll have today!" McGonagall stared at the headmaster in disbelief.

The day went by with the students having lost all their will to live. By dinner time the students were desperate for the posters to be removed already. Hermione was complaining because her housewife picture kept mouthing: 'Honey, what do you want me to do for you?', her mouth in seducing way. It was very easy to read the picture's lips and she felt humiliated. Ron's picture had him with gloves in his hands and mouthing: 'Want a general check up? Get naked!' His face had been the color of his hair all day long.

In the middle of dinner the students had noticed Sohma's absence in the teachers' table, but he suddenly appeared in a wedding gown and wearing a tiara with a veil plus a bouquet of flowers in his right hand. He suddenly yelled in the direction of the teachers' table when he spotted the teacher he was looking for: "SEVERUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS! HERE I AM FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUU, HONEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! NOW WE CAN GET MARRIED AFTER WE HAVE BONDED MY LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!"

The Potions master fled from the Great Hall, most students and teachers only able to see a black ray disappear behind doors.

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**Thank you for your reviews! Keep them coming! Me Happy! **


	14. Second Detention

**Friday After Halloween**

All of Hogwarts students had concluded that Professor Sohma had tried to play a big joke on Snape by wearing that wedding gown. Whatever the act was Snape had fled from the Great Hall and had locked himself in his quarters. If Harry Potter could be happy about something was the way in which Sohma managed to drive Snape mad. As much as he wanted to avoid Sohma too he had enjoyed Snape being miserable. They also kept having a teacher supervising the DADA classes. That week it had been Flitwick, but the classes hadn't been actually bad. They had learned how to protect their clothing from burning and had learned to intercept body binding spells. Of course, to remember Sohma's explanations could give anyone a headache. Sohma had said:

"It is very important to avoid being burned! Burns can scar you for life and we don't want to have scars on our beautiful bodies! No offense, Mr. Potter! Your scar gives us hope. Now back to class, we have to learn how to intercept body binding spells. None of us wants a dark wizard to bind us to abuse our beautiful bodies! That is so awful! Just imagine someone binding you and removing your clothes against your will!"

Flitwick looked horrified and squirmed in his seat, but what Sohma had said had a great effect. All the students grasped blocking binding spells easily since they were terrified about a Death Eater actually removing their clothes after using a binding spell on them.

That had been their class, but that day was Friday and Harry was walking with Hermione and Ron an hour before dinner when the trio saw Sohma with his wand in hand, moving it as if he were directing an orchestra. Right behind the DADA teacher were male students from 7th, 6th, and 5th year. They all kept yelling with joyful voices: "WE LOVE SOHMA! WE LOVE SOHMA! WE LOVE SOHMA! WE LOVE SOHMA! WE LOVE SOHMA!..."

Harry twitched and looked at Ron: "What the hell is wrong with them?"

Ron turned beet red and mumbled something that Harry and Hermione weren't able to catch. "What is it, Ron?", asked Hermione.

"I said that it might be my fault."

"WHAT?", asked Harry and Hermione at the same time.

"I... told Seamus about the pornographic material. I think he spreaded the rumour and that club that is behind our DADA teacher are the bunch that were in his office checking the forbidden material."

"How do you know this?", asked Hermione looking blanched.

"Because I also went to Sohma's office with that group."

Harry grabbed Ron by the neck. "You told them about my detention?"

Ron shook his head: "Only about Sohma having the material. I left you out of it."

Harry still looked mortified as they saw the boys' club that was merrily following Sohma.

**Second Detention**

Harry arrived that Saturday night at Sohma's office, entered humourlessly, and dropped himself on a chair. Sohma came out of a room wearing only a towel and his hair wet. "I was just in the bath! Want to join me?" Harry shook his head looking freaked out. "Alright! Wait a few minutes!"

Harry sighed and waited until the teacher finally came out wearing white pajamas with pink bunnies instead of wizard robes. "These were a gift from one of my cousins! Aren't they cute?" Harry blinked. "Anyway, what can we do tonight?"

Harry glared at the teacher. "Did you get it?"

"What?"

"My... My... My... You know..."

"Mr. Potter, I don't know what you are trying to say", stated the teacher, his face only a few inches from Harry's.

"Of course you know! When I went into your bathroom to... to..." Harry turned crimson. "Arghhh!", was what came out of his mouth and at the same time he quickly messied his hair with both hands.

Ayame started to laugh. "There's nothing to be ashamed of, Mr. Potter! Human needs are human needs! And we males do have lots of needs, don't we?" The teacher winked at Harry, making the boy flinch.

Harry decided to change the topic. "Why is Voldemort after you?"

Ayame laughed nervously at that, but didn't flich at the name to Harry's surprise. "Well, that was kind of funny. I was in a pub with one of my cousins and this bloke joined us. He started to flirt with me as he was very drunk and I told him that he was ugly and not my type. Turns out the bloke was a Death Eater. My cousin left me and several Death Eaters surrounded me and took me to Voldykins."

"Vo-Vo-Voldykins?", asked Harry incredulously.

Ayame continued: "Well, I found myself in front of the horrible Voldykins and he asked me if I was a pureblooded witch. I told him that I was a wizard of course. It seems they thought I was a woman for some reason. I also told him that his robes were outdated, that bald heads are out, and that he needs major surgery for that nose of his. Those slits looked gross. I also told him to wear contact lenses because red eyes are so out. They're good for a Halloween party, but not for normal everyday life. Then I told him to please take a bath because he stank. I was only telling the truth, but now he wants me dead for some reason."

Harry was horrified, but managed to ask: "How in Merlin's name did you escape?"

Ayame laughed before telling Harry: "That is a s-e-c-r-e-t, a secret."

Harry blinked several times before insisting: "I do want to know! No one escapes Voldemort easily! Plus you were alone! You have to tell me!"

"Maybe another time, Mr. Potter. Now let's play some Twister!"

"Don't we need another person to guide us? A referee?", Harry thought aloud remembering the times he saw Dudley playing the game with his bully buddies.

"We have what we need! This little friend here will say what we have to do!" Ayame got a small doll that looked oddly like him out of a box. The doll spoke all of a sudden: "First remove your shoes, motherfucker!"

Harry wanted the detention to end already. He even wondered if he had been better separating potion ingredients for Snape in the dungeons...

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**Thanks to those that reviewed! **

**_Please kindly leave a review, but not a flame as I'm too sensitive. _**(Courtesy of Ayame Sohma) :p


	15. The Game

Author's Notes: I've been so busy lately! Mostly because I entered the animesuki karaoke competition! LOL The entries are great! I had a nice time making my recording for the competition, but in being involved with that I couldn't get back to my fics! Anyway, I was able to write this. Enjoy!

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**The Game**

The Twister game was disastrous. On several ocassions Ayame somehow ended up hovering above Harry, who was in a bridge position, belly up. The position made the boy horribly cautious. Afterwards Sohma ended up falling on Harry, between Harry's legs, squashing the poor boy against the game mat. Harry had started to scream like mad and Sohma removed himself from the student, but Harry was almost hysterical.

"What the fuck are you trying to do with me?"

"Language language, Mr. Potter! We were just playing Twister!"

"You were over me on purpose!"

"I was over you because of the referee's instructions."

"And you had to fall on me in 'that' position?"

"That was accidental!" replied Ayame with a big smile.

It took Sohma at least 10 minutes to convince Harry that he hadn't been trying to take advantage of him. When they tried the game again, against Harry's will, but having to comply because it was his 'punishment,' Sohma rubbed his body 'accidentally' against Harry again, making the boy react against it in reflex and both fell again. Ayame had somehow ended up again in a very compromising position between Harry's legs.

"GERROFF ME YOU PERVERTED PSYCHO MANIAC!"

"I am truly sorry for squashing you again, but I'm not that heavy..."

"THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU FREAK!"

"My, my! Aren't we in a foul mood?"

Harry screamed in anger and even pulled his hair and messied it while Sohma laughed. Some minutes later Sohma let the boy go and reminded Harry about their last detention next Saturday. He also reminded the boy that if he kept losing his temper it would be another detention.

When Harry finally returned to Gryffindor Tower he was in a very foul temper that made him snap at Ron and Hermione.

"What the hell is wrong with you, mate?" asked Ron.

Harry slumped himself on a chair in front of the fire. "Sorry for snapping at both of you, but I cannot handle my detentions with Sohma!"

"Worse than Snape?" asked Ron surprised. I thought he would show you more of his 'material'?"

"I'm just going to bed," replied Harry.

Hermione hadn't said a word after Harry had snapped at them, but she regained her courage. "Do we have to report him to Dumbledore? Did he touch you in non proper ways?"

"I've got no proof. We were playing Twister."

Ron raised an eyebrow: "What the hell is twister?"

Hermione laughed a little. She knew the game. "It's a Muggle game, Ron." She turned to Harry. "Not to defend Sohma or anything, but with that game you can end up in the oddest positions..."

"Twice in a row with him between my legs?" asked Harry incredulously.

Both Ron and Hermione flinched, but the girl answered: "It can happen... Plus like you said, you still don't have... proof."

Harry sighed in defeat. In a week he would have his last detention at last.

**Last Detention?**

Harry didn't want to knock on Sohma's door, but did and received no answer. Once again he knocked and there was no reply. He soflty opened the door and entered. Everything seemed normal, but he couldn't hear water running indicating that the teacher was in the shower. He started to walk when he saw forest green robes on the floor. He didn't want to touch the clothing so he simply kicked it before calling: "Professor Sohma?" There was still no reply, but he suddenly saw movement on the floor. "What the...?" He followed the movement and laughed when he saw a gray snake. "Hey! Aren't you Snape's snake?" Harry then switched to _Parseltounge. "Why are you here? Did your master try to use you as an ingredient for a potion?" _

The snake's eyes opened wide, but it replied in snake language: _"Not really. I just got lost..." _

_"This is a very bad place to be lost in, you know..."_

_"Not really! Professor Sohma is the most beautiful and wonderful person in the world! I would love to be him!"_

Harry raised his eyebrows in obvious incredulity. "_You must have hit yourself on the head..."_

_"I'm perfectly fine! Why? Don't you agree with me about Professor Sohma?"_

_"Nope. I think he is a psychotic and meddlesome pervert. He is also a horrible teacher and an annoying person. I still wonder how Dumbledore hired him. He must have been drunk when he did..." _

_"Ouch!" _said the snake looking hurt.

Harry started to call for the professor again. "Professor Sohma?"

_"He will be here in a while," _replied the snake

"Do you understand normal language?" asked Harry shocked.

_"Oh yes! Snapeykins has me well trained!" _

"Oh really? And you call your master Snapeykins?"

Harry freaked out when the snake spoke in normal language all of a sudden. Even though Harry used _Parseltounge_ as easily as he used English he could definitely notice that the snake hadn't spoken in the snake language when it replied: "Yes! And he loves it when I call him that!" The snake looked at Harry's horrified expression. "What?"

"I think I'll need something from Pomfrey. I'm starting to hear snakes speak in English."

"You don't need anything, Mr. Potter. You are perfectly fine and healthy. You are also quite a cute boy."

Harry thought he would faint on the spot when he noticed something in the snake's voice. It sounded like... Sohma? "Ohohohoho! Oh no! Oh no no no no no no! Are you an animagus?" Harry then remembered that in animagus form wizards and witches cannot speak. "Wait, that can't be it..." He thought aloud.

At that moment there was smoke and a sound similar to when someone 'Disapparated.' Harry screamed and fell backwards when he saw Sohma in front of him naked.

Hovering over the boy that was on the floor Ayame said happily: "Sorry about that. I felt very cold all of a sudden and 'poof' my body couldn't take it and transformed. Mr. Potter? Mr. Potter?"

Harry's eyes were spinning and the boy was moaning as if he had gone mad saying: "Snape's... snake... talks...Sohma... naked... Snape's... snake... Sohma... naked..."

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_**Please Review! Thanks!**_


	16. Ayame the Insufferable Snake

A short quickie!

Thanks to the people that reviewed!

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**Ayame the Insufferable Snake**

Ayame summoned his clothes to dress him and crouched beside Harry. Harry was staring at the man, terror all over his features. "So, now you know, Mr Potter. The faculty does know too, but I always prefer keeping it from students." Harry nodded. "Now to our detention, right?"

Harry stood, still looking warily at the teacher, but finally relaxing. "So you turn into a snake?"

"It's the Sohma curse. What can we do tonight, Mr. Potter?"

"I'd rather not do anything with you at all, sir." Curiosity suddenly overcame him though. "Is that how you escaped? From Voldemort?"

Aya laughed. "Well, just when Voldykins was very mad at me I simply hugged a female Death Eater that was very close and slid out of there. It's a shame I lost my favorite golden robes there," added Ayame thinking out loud. "And they even had a nice scarlet embroidery that read 'Ayame and Yuki, brothers 4 ever'. Plus then I changed back into a man in the middle of the city..."

"You have a brother?"

"Yes. He is about your age..."

"Poor guy," thought Harry aloud.

"Huh?"

"Nothing!" Harry replied nervously. He had always wondered how it would have been if he had a brother, but if it had been someone like Sohma he would have probably killed himself. "So you can understand and speak Parsel?"

Ayame blinked and then nodded. "I always try to hide that though, but the headmaster probably suspects it." Ayame abruptly changed the topic. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

Harry looked mortified. "No, I don't."

"How do you cope with your carnal desires then? You do know that it is unhealthy to do yourself too much..."

Harry turned beet red and squeaked: "I'm only sixteen years old!"

"A very hormonal age in which you need to develop your charming skills to conquer girls, or pretty boys if you go down that path. I can give you advice..."

"No thanks. You are freaking me out, sir."

"Now... There's something I really needed to ask you about."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"How many times has Severus, you know, nailed you?"

"BY MERLIN! NEVER!" Harry was horrified. He could almost throw up.

"You can trust me, Mr. Potter. I would never betray your confidence. I know those things are difficult to express and get out of our systems. I can understand that you would want to deny it. It's humiliating, embarrassing, I know, but I'm here for you."

Harry started to cough uncontrollably and then muttered. "I'm speaking the truth. Snape has not touched me, ever! Merlin forbid!"

Ayame spoke to himself: "Ah! The problems of adolescence! The hormonal teenaged boy that would never confess that he has been touched by another man!"

"Hey! Hey! I've never been touched by anyone in a way that I wouldn't want!"

Ayame looked completely taken aback, horror all over his face. "Oh gods! Oh gods! Do you mean to tell me that you let yourself be touched by Severus willingly?"

"HOW THICK CAN YOU BE, YOU IDIOT! I WOULD NEVER LET SNAPE'S HANDS ANYWHERE NEAR ME!"

Ayame was shocked at the outburst, but suddenly sighed in relief. "I'm glad, but does that mean that you're a virgin?"

"I'M ONLY SIXTEEN! S-I-X-T-E-E-N! SIXTEEEN YEARS OLD!" Harry was panting with rage and embarrassment.

"Then you are a virgin. You poor thing! We'll have to get you a girlfriend! A horny one! Is Miss Granger available!"

The evil thought of Hermione being horny invaded Harry's mind and he got a new coughing fit. "Please don't put unnecessary images in my head!"

"No... Miss Granger doesn't seem like the horny type. Too much of a brainy girl to even consider casual sex. Let's see... How about Miss Parkinson?"

"I would never even consider going near her!"

"Daphne Greengrass might be a good option..."

"Can you only think of Slytherin girls?" Harry suddenly hit himself in the head thinking: 'Why am I even letting him continue with that by stating him to simply change to girls that are not from Slytherin House? What am I thinking?' "I mean, let's change the subject!"

"Hmm... Miss Brown looks like the kind of girl who would bed anyone."

Harry felt himself turning crimson. "Please, stop!"

"Alright, alright. Conclusion: Harry Potter doesn't like girls. How about Mr. Weasley? Or Mr. Malfoy?"

"Now you really are going to make me go sick, but at least you have removed thoughts of naked girls from my mind..." He shuddered at the thought of a naked Draco throwing kisses at him. "Eww."

"Then you don't like girls nor boys? Animals then? So you're a bestialism type of guy like Longbottom? Didn't expect that from The-Boy-Who-Lived... The fangirls will cry!"

Harry wanted someone to remove him from his misery. He would have gladly offered himself to Voldemort at that point and would have said to the dark lord: 'Please kill me now! I beg you!' "Can we start our detention? Make me do lines! Make me grade papers, anything that would mean for you to just shut up!"

Ayame raised his eyes in thought. "Wanna watch some more of the material I have?"

Harry started to sob.

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	17. Confession?

Author's Notes: True. This fic has no real plot whatsoever. LOL That's why I classified it as Parody. Because it's not supposed to make sense. I still don't know what possessed me to write this one... Glad so many enjoy it! About pairing Harry, I don't think it will happen in this fic. And I'm certainly not going to bring dead pretty boys back to life. Ahahaha! Gomen ne! (Sorry!) Plus I like Harry being a girl liking guy in this fic like most teenaged boys his age, so Harry will stay het even if he stays alone. Dunno. Might change my mind (not about the het, but about pairing Harry, but not really planned for now.) Enjoy!

Another note: In case anyone gets confused about something that is mentioned. A definition taken from Wikipedia for lolicon: **Lolicon**, or **Rorikon** (ロリコン) is a Japanese abbreviation of **Lolita complex** (derived from the novel _Lolita_), the sexual attraction to fictional and real underage girls, or ephebophilia. (Strictly speaking, Roriita-konpurekkusu in Japanese means only psychological tendency of an adult man or older boy; rorikon, however, additionally implies persons who have such psychological tendency. This difference is important.) Although what is stated in the fic by a certain character goes a little farther in implications.

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**Confession?**

"Let's go to my room!" Ayame exclaimed.

Harry stood up all of a sudden: "Alright! I'll confess! I'm a sadistic bastard! I love to do it with animals! I also love to fuck boys and girls alike! You can ask Ron for details! I've also been Snape's slave ever since first year! His and every teacher's slave! I've been shagging every single girl and boy in school on all corridors and classrooms! Happy now?"

Ayame looked beyond horrified: "You are scaring me, Mr. Potter."

"I'm glad!" stated Harry with a psychotic glare.

"So... When you say every girl and boy in school does that include first years?"

Harry looked like a maniac with eyes opened wide behind his glasses and his messy black hair more disheveled than ever. "Of course! Those are my favorites! I love to fuck their little innocent minds and bodies!" Harry looked as if he had completely lost it and Aya kept cowering. "I have a well developed Lolita complex, so yes, I'm a wicked lolicon! Underdeveloped girls are a huge turn on and a delicacy!"

Sohma gulped, looking frightened. "You are a very... evil boy..."

"Of course I am!"

"You can go... Please!"

"Yes!" Harry fled from Aya's office and the DADA teacher was left trembling at his shattered image of an innocent Harry Potter.

**Avoiding Him**

Ever since that detention Sohma didn't even glance at Harry. In class Harry was completely ignored by the teacher and Ron kept asking how he had managed to accomplish that. Harry simply grinned at the redhead and told him that it was a secret.

December arrived and Harry noticed that not only Sohma was avoiding him, but many students too. The first years shrieked whenever they encountered him and started to run for it. Something was definitely not right. There was also Neville. Whenever Harry approached Neville when the boy was with Trevor, he looked at Harry with a frightened expression and fled or started to hide the toad from Harry's view. This only happened when Neville was with Trevor though. Something was definitely fishy.

In Potions class Snape had also stopped hovering over him. In fact, Snape didn't go anywhere near Harry. As the days passed it was evident that everyone was avoiding him like the plague and Harry didn't understand why. 'Everyone' included the teachers. Even McGonagall raised an eyebrow everytime she saw him and gave him cold glares.

When Harry went to visit Hagrid the half-giant looked extremely nervous and hid Fang in a closet every time. He also hid whatever animals were there with him if Harry popped up. Harry even tried asking why Hagrid was behaving like that and the big man would laugh nervously saying that everything was fine.

The only people that weren't avoiding Harry were Ron and Hermione. In fact they were as confused as Harry was regarding every student's attitude against The-Boy-Who-Lived. Hermione kept trying to find out what was wrong, but no one would tell her. Ron tried to make Ginny speak and the girl started to wail.

Draco Malfoy, who loved to try and hex Harry, started to run whenever he encountered the Chosen One along with his cronies, Crabbe and Goyle. Harry thought it was an improvement to be so intimidating until he encountered Peeves: "Potty Potty, gone psychotic! Everyone runs from loony Potty! The beast he is, the freak he is! No student is safe! No teacher is safe! No animals are safe! Run from the rotten and dreadful kid!"

Harry's eyes went wide with horror. Had Sohma spreaded the rumour of the lies he had told the teacher? Was the teacher such a moron that he had actually believed what Harry had said?

Harry started to run towards Sohma's office. He was furious and in his race he crashed against a little first year girl and fell on top of her. The little girl gasped when she saw it was Harry and started to scream: "I'M BEING RAPED! HELP! HEEEEEEEEELP! I'M BEING RAPED! I'M BEING RAPED! HE WANTS TO RAPE MEEEEEEEEE!"

Harry quickly got up and covered the girl's mouth trying to calm her down. At that Peeves got there too. "NO FIRST YEAR IS SAFE FROM PSYCHO POTTY! HE WANTS TO PERFORM HIS LOLICON FANTASIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL CORRIDORS! NO ONE IS SAFE! EVERYONE PROTECT YOURSELVES! THE POTTY MENACE IS HERE TO RAPE YOU ALL!" The Poltergeist cackled and then started to laugh maniacally.

Harry found himself surrounded by many students and teachers with the little girl trapped in his arms and his hand covering her mouth. Sohma had ruined his life!

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Note: I've been trying to upload this 'drabble'since yesterday (Japan) and the site didn't let me! Well, at least I can upload now...

**Thank you to the people that reviewed! **

_**Please Review. Thanks!**_


	18. The Apology

Thank you to the readers that reviewed! Keep them coming!

Author's Notes: Hmm... I don't know how I come up with these sadistic ideas. LOL I do pick up things here and there and distort them psychotically (is this even a word? lol)

Enjoy!

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**The Apology**

Harry was taken to the Headmaster's office after his public humiliation. He wanted to scream, find Sohma, scream, rip Sohma to pieces, scream some more, and not be satisfied until Sohma was a puddle to be stepped and jumped on. Oh yes, the thought of Sohma turning into a puddle and screaming: "I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING!" was a very nice and cozy event to visualize.

Harry found himself explaining everything to Dumbledore and to his amazement, Snape, who was also present, agreed with Harry. Made Harry think he had to be in another dimension, but it was something. Perhaps Snape had a conscience after all, but then the Potions master added that he could be wrong about Harry's intentions and sadistic machinations. Harry frowned at that.

Dumbledore assured and reassured Harry that Sohma would make a public apology at dinner time that same day, but Harry also had to apologize for lying to the professor as he had done. Harry grumbled at that and wanted to say in his defense that Sohma shouldn't have been so stupid as to actually believe him, but decided to refrain from snapping at the Headmaster.

At dinner time when the whole school was there in the Great Hall Dumbledore stood all of a sudden and announced that everyone had to listen to what Professor Sohma needed to say. Most students scowled not wanting to hear Sohma say anything at all, others seemed slightly interested, and some looked amused. The teacher stood up and gaily curtsied for the students before flashing his million dollar smile. He then started to read something he had on a parchment:

"My fellow students, teachers, and everyone in this school, it is my duty to apologize to Mr. Harry Potter for any damage I have caused to his reputation as a nice and innocent young man. As you may all know a few weeks ago Mr. Potter blatantly lied to me because he wanted to flee from his detention with me. Of course, this means that as a bonus Mr. Potter has gained yet another detention." Harry scowled and kicked under Gryffindor table as the teacher continued reading. "I did believe Mr. Potter when he told me many dreadful things that I'll dare not repeat here. After further investigations I have discovered that Mr. Potter is in fact a virgin and has only touched his own body so far through the art of masturbation because he doesn't have a girlfriend nor a boyfriend." Even Ron's face glowed crimson at that and Harry covered his face at his new public humiliation. Hermione gaped in horror and utter disbelief at Sohma blurting such a thing. "Mr. Potter is not a lolicon nor he is a bestialism type of boy. We still do not know about his sexual preferences." Ayame stopped at that and lowered the parchment to say: "Boys and girls, you should discover Mr. Potter's sexual preferences yourselves!" Ayame winked and proceeded to keep reading from the parchment, not noticing the amount of students that gagged. "As every apology has to include a big hug to mend the relationship that has been broken, in this case the teacher and student relationship, now Mr. Potter and I will hug in front of the whole school and in this way Mr. Potter will also prove that his awful reputation was a lie." Ayame lowered the parchment and started to make signals with his hands for Harry to come into his arms. "Come on! Don't be shy!"

Everyone in Slytherin table was snickering, Ravenclaw students were gaping, the ones in Hufflepuff table were trembling looking frightened, and the Gryffindors were covering their faces not wanting to see their fellow Gryffindor hugging Ayame Sohma.

To Harry's horror Dumbledore also signaled for him to approach the DADA teacher and Hermione even said in a small voice: "You have to! To prove your innocence! It's just a hug!"

"A hug that will destroy his bloody reputation even more, Hermione!" exploded Ron looking like a tomato.

Harry approached the DADA teacher, but stayed five feet away from the platinum haired man. At that Sohma was the one to move and give Harry a hug that the humiliated boy didn't answer for the life of him.

**Not Another Detention!**

Harry was on his way to Sohma's office when he encountered his least favorite teacher, Snape. "Going to your detention with Sohma, Mr. Potter? I'm glad he has been venting on someone else," smirked the Potions master.

Harry scowled and then glared at the teacher: "Well, I'll make sure this is the last one so that you can have him back all to yourself! At least I haven't slept with him!" Harry covered his big mouth as he realized what he had just said to none other than Snape.

The Potions master turned red and looked as if he was possessed by the devil all of a sudden. "How dare you? Fifty points from Gryffindor for your cheek, Potter! Do enjoy your detention because next Saturday you will have detention with me! And as usual, you won't need gloves to protect your hands!" The Potions master disappeared from sight in a very quick pace. Well, at least Harry's detentions with Snape were always better than the ones with Sohma, right?

Harry at last knocked at Sohma's office and an annoying voice replied with a sing song voice: "Enter!" Harry entered wearing a worn out expression. "You look exhausted! My my, what have you been doing, Mr. Potter? Something naughty?"

Harry quickly changed his looking tired look. "Much better! You will help me grade papers!"

Harry blinked. "It's a joke, right?"

"Nope! Come on! Sit here!"

Harry sat down and started to grade papers that were about how great a teacher Sohma was. It was unbelievable and sickening to see how many hypocrites Hogwarts had in first year. "How should I grade this?"

"Just give an O to everyone that says I'm great of course!"

"What if the student didn't say you were great?"

"Someone didn't?" Ayame asked looking genuinely alarmed.

"It's a question," clarified Harry.

Sohma laughed nervously. "Oh! Just give them A then."

Harry thought he should give Ds to the ones that 'loved' Sohma and Os to the honest ones if any, but unfortunately he had to abide by Sohma's instructions.

There was silence for a while and suddenly Sohma said: "Did you know I was school president in my teen years?"

Harry raised an eyebrow as he kept grading papers. "You mean you didn't study in Hogwarts? There is no such thing as school president in this school unless you mean becoming Head Boy."

"Something like that, and no, I didn't study in Hogwarts."

"What possessed the students to choose you as president?"

Sohma started to laugh. "I have no idea. I always thought the best candidate was my cousin, Hatori! Still, they chose me!"

Harry started to laugh all of a sudden. "I think I know why!" He stopped grading and looked at Sohma. "You would let them do as they pleased, right? There was no discipline!"

"Of course there was discipline! No girl became pregnant during my presidency because all of the sexual needs of the male population were directed at me!"

Harry looked disgusted. "Do you mean to tell me that you as president bedded every guy in your school?"

"Not every guy, Mr. Potter! Only those who desperately wanted release, thus avoiding their use of girls! I was always there for them! Sex relieves stress, you know? You should try it!"

Harry silently stood up from his chair and started to bang his head against a wall.

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_**Please Review.**_


	19. A New Semester

Author's Notes: I never took any of those Paternity/Maternity courses in high school. If you did or currently are and can give me a few pointers I'll appreciate it! My e-mail feature is enabled so you can write to me if you want to help me in that aspect. If not, I can always make things up! LOL On another note I got Su Li from the HP lexicon. She is supposed to be in Harry's year. If you see any names you don't know I got them from the HP lexicon too. I had to create the girl's background though as the lexicon only mentions the name that I'm aware of.

Calmer chapter ahead:

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**A New Semester**

"Mr. Potter! You'll hurt yourself! Stop banging your head like that!"

"Please end this detention and let me go to Gryffindor Tower!"

"Alright! You may leave."

"Huh?"

"You want to stay?"

"No thanks!" Harry fled.

XxXxX

Christmas holidays passed and January arrived and with it a new semester. The 6th year students arrived to their first DADA class on that new year of 1997. They hoped Sohma had made a new curriculum and would start teaching them for real. There was no sin in hoping after all...

Sohma arrived happily and flashed a big smile at his students. He looked extremely pleased with himself. Finnegan quickly asked: "Had great holidays, sir?"

"Oh yes!" Replied Sohma. "I had a great time with my relatives and there is always this great New Year's banquet for the Chinese Zodiac and..." Sohma stopped all of a sudden. "It was great, thank you Mr. Finnegan! Ten points for Gryffindor! Sohma then whispered to the student. "And I can give you a bonus if you come by this evening. I've brought some new material." Sohma winked at Seamus.

"Yes sir!" Finnegan replied happily.

Ron made gagging noises before turning to Harry. "I can't believe the love Sohma because of what he shows them..."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "If I remember corectly you also like that material."

Ron turned crimson, but quickly straightened in his chair. "My dear students, we are going to do something exciting this semester! We are going to practice MARRIAGE!"

The students paled as Sohma kept speaking. "I have already arranged you in couples and during all of this semester you will eat with your spouse, hold hands with your spouse, practice kissing with your spouse, etc. The only thing you will not do is sleep with your spouse because that would be too much in my opinion. Well, you can do it if you want to, but it won't be part of the activity. I have also designed special dolls and you will practive being mummies and daddies! Isn't it exciting?"

Malfoy looked horrified and stood up: "Who did you pair us with?" The rest of the students agreed with the blonde in wanting to know, but they were also frightened about what the answer would be.

Ron joined his hands together as if praying: "Please let it be a girl. Please let it be a girl. Please!"

Harry had already covered his face. Last time he had been paired for something in that class he had been with Goyle. He had even had to kiss Ron on the first day of that class back in September!

"Oh! I've made sure to put boys with girls as best as I could as this is marriage we're talking about. If you want same sex partners I can arrange that though. I have no problems with that..." Ayame said matter of factly.

"No!" Draco exclaimed. "It's alright!" He sat down, but still looked very pale.

"Now here it is! What you've been waiting for! Your spouses!" He cleared his throat. "Susan Bones with Vincent Crabbe!" The Hufflepuff girl looked as if she had just swallowed a toad. "Daphne Greengrass with Neville Longbottom!" The Slytherin girl made a fist and hit her chair as Sohma kept calling the names. "Su Li with Harry Potter!" Harry breathed a sigh of relief as he was with a Ravenclaw girl even if he didn't know her. "Hermione Granger with Ernie McMillan!" Hermione also looked relieved. "Ronald Weasley with Millicent Bulstrode!" Ron wanted to die and the big Slytherin girl smirked at him before throwing him a kiss.

After Sohma finished pairing the students he made a new announcement. "Now you will all pair up with your spouse and during the rest of class you will learn everything about your spouse and you will leave this class holding hands with your spouse too! Next class we'll start with the babies. The dolls will be ready then!"

Harry changed seats with the girl that was next to Su Li. He looked at the bespectacled Asian girl and she bore her eyes into his. "Hi." She used a very bored tone.

"Hi..." Harry replied back.

"You're Harry Potter and I'm Su Li. We've been together since first year, but I've never had time to properly introduce myself. Studying."

Harry nodded at the monotonous speaking girl. She spoke in a way as if she was always bored. "So... You are supposed to be my spouse... Err... What do we do then?"

"You can help me with my Arithmancy homework," stated the girl.

"I... I don't take Arithmancy. Hermione does though."

"Oh... I never look at the students that take the class with me. Sorry."

Harry went thoughtful. "So... Tell me about your family... I don't know... Anything?"

The girl blinked. "My parents are Muggles. I have a little brother."

"And?"

"What do you mean 'and'? I already told you about my family."

Harry didn't know how he would survive the semester with that 'spouse.' She almost sounded like what Muggles called a robot. When the class ended she held his hand calmly, but as soon as they were outside the classroom she let go. "See you later, spouse," she said in a very bored tone before leaving him standing like an idiot.

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**Thanks to the reviewers: The Insane Imortal Dragon, gophtopia, Yuki The Rat, YuriyTalaIvanov, and KasurinYokaiNeko**


	20. Relationship?

**Author's Warning! Do not eat, I repeat, do not eat while reading this chapter! This is a mature rated chapter with disturbing sexual situations that can be almost sickening. It might gross you out. **

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**Relationship?**

The next day in Sohma's class the couples had to kiss, but they were more willing to do so than in previous occassions due to being in het pairs. Sohma had announced that the dolls weren't ready yet and wouldn't be ready until the next week. Harry had hesitated when it came to kissing Su at first, but Sohma started to stare at him and so he had claimed Su's lips imagining that he was simply acting for the teacher. Problem was Su Li took it seriously and Harry suddenly had a moistened tounge inside his mouth. He grabbed the girl's shoulders to push her back, but she wrapped her arms around his neck and pushed herself forward, managing to free her shoulders. Harry thought to himself: 'Great! She is actually enjoying this!'

At last Harry broke the kiss and the girl didn't look as robotic as before even though her tone did come monotonous. "That was incredible! I've never felt something like this before! It's better than studying! I want more!" Su claimed Harry's lips again, but he stopped her.

"Calm yourself alright? It was just kissing. You've kissed before in this class, right?"

"Yes, but everytime I kissed Lisa Turpin and we merely brushed our lips together. It's the first time I kiss a boy and for real."

"Okay, take a deep breath and remember that you are geeky Ravenclaw girl Su Li and that studying is better that anything in the world."

Su blinked several times and nodded. Harry thought to himself that it was just an inexperienced geeky girl and that he shouldn't be worried. Soon she would be inmersed in books again and everything would be normal. That's when he noticed her looking at her chest. "What are you doing?" She had a very big package which was unusual for an Asian girl and Harry quickly averted his eyes.

"Do you think these are good enough?" She asked losing a little of her robotic voice and sounding almost like a seductress.

"Okay, let's start again. You are a geek, not a hormonal teenaged girl. Repeat it to yourself."

"I am a geek. I'm not a hormonal teenaged girl."

"Very good! You're a nice girl, Su. Don't change." Harry kissed her on the cheek and Sohma approached them.

"How's your relationship with your spouse, Potter?" Sohma asked energetically.

"It's alright, sir."

"Miss Li, you might want some pointers on how to please your man. Would you stay after class?"

Harry was about to say that was not necessary when Su replied: "Yes sir."

Right after class ended Sohma took Harry apart and whispered: "The girls that look nice, geeky, and as if they were innocence incarnated tend to turn into the wildest ones and they are yummy and excellent in bed." Harry turned scarlet and fled the classroom.

That day at dinner Su came to Gryffindor Table and all the Gryffindors started whispering. Harry stared at her as she spoke to Hermione: "Can I sit next to my spouse?"

Hermione raised an eyebrow and smiled then: "Sure!" She changed seats with Su.

Su took a parchment out of her backpack and started reading as she ate with the Gryffindors. Harry thought she was simply studying there beside him because of what Sohma had said about trying to spend lots of time with your spouse. He put some pork into his mouth and she suddenly out of the blue asked quite aloud in her monotonous voice: "Would you like me to fondle your sac?" Harry started to choke on his pork and Hermione was about to help him when Su herself slapped Harry so hard on his back that she not only accomplished rescuing him, but also caused Harry's face to end up in his plate. In Gryffindor table there were students laughing hysterically at the girl's question and in Slytherin table there was mad laughter after seeing Harry end up in his own dinner plate.

Harry removed his face from his plate looking like he could explode, but Su calmly said: _"Scourgify."_ She had cleaned Harry's face in seconds.

Harry stared at her and took a breath. "Why would you ask something as strange as that?"

"I took some pointers from Professor Sohma, see?"

Harry turned crimson reading what was written on the parchment, but noticed that it clearly stated that those suggestions were optional 'homework.' "It's optional. Just throw it away."

"I always do my bonuses and optional homework. I've always done them to get more points."

Hermione decided to intervene by that time. "Look Su, one thing is doing optional work for serious classes, but this is rubbish. Just throw that parchment away and forget about it."

"Are you saying that our DADA class is not serious? I thought every class was serious."

"Come on Su please!" Hermione looked frustrated. "You are more intelligent than that! You cannot be taking this course seriously!"

"I take every course seriously bacause in the end you will always learn something. I've learned how to kiss and I've never been able to relate with other people. I think this course is helping me develop my social skills. I've never had any friends, not even in my house."

Hermione looked shocked and didn't know what to say. Ron on the other hand whispered to Harry. "Use her, mate! You'll never get another chance like this! I wish I had a girl who would offer to do me sexual favors! I don't think I will ever get such a thing from any girl! Plus look at me! I'm with Bulstrode!"

"Ron! You are scaring me! How can you even suggest something like using her? That's sick!" Ron rolled his eyes and Harry got up to leave the table. Su followed him like a chick after a mother hen.

Harry noticed the girl that kept following him and turned. "Why are you following me?"

"I want to be with you."

"I'm going to Gryffindor Tower."

"I'll walk you then."

Both students kept walking in silence until Su noticed an empty classroom that was open. She pushed Harry into it and locked the door behind them. "What are you doing?"

"My optional assignment," Su replied expressionlessly and approached Harry. He was against a wall thinking if it would be alright to hex her when she got her hands inside his robes and into his pants. He moaned as he felt the silky touch in there and couldn't stop himself from closing his eyes. The girl kept working in there and even took a peek when she completely opened the pants. He could hear her repeating details as if it was really an assignment. "It's a good size and it grows even more with stimulation. It hardens under my touch and turns red as if there's blood pumping wildly into it. I'm going to taste it experimentally as if it were a lolipop."

"Don't!" Harry exclaimed, but it was too late. He grabbed Su's head, but instead of trying to get her away from him he wanted to keep her there and pushed her towards his lower body where she kept savouring him and sucking hard. He kept moaning and whimpering as he felt himself about to come in her mouth. He even warned her with a husky whisper: "I'm coming!" It made her suck even harder and he came with full force saying: "Awww Gawd! This girl is insaaaane!"

At that moment someone opened the door to the classroom and Harry was horrified to see none other than Ayame Sohma there. The man started to jump joyfully: "Of all classrooms you use mine for naughty stuff! I'm so touched! Of course it would have been terrible if you had used Severus' dungeon, right?"

Harry wanted to die and Su started to cough and said aloud: "This salty milky stuff is disgusting! How can people drink this for their lover's sake? Yuck!" She licked her hands in a very embarrassing way as if confirming the bad flavour and coughed into them again filling them with the 'stuff.' She started to wipe her hands on her robes and even used her robes to wipe Harry's parts.

Sohma looked almost disgusted and raised a finger as if to point something. "Miss Li, you shouldn't do that, you know? On the other hand, Potter, that was great wasn't it?"

Harry whispered in a hurt little voice: "I just wanted to get to Gryffindor tower." He also remembered that he wanted to revive the DA meetings for real Defense Against the Dark Arts practice. It was time.

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**Thanks to: Yuki the Rat, KasurinYokaiNeko, and The Insane Imortal Dragon**


	21. DA Meeting

Author's Notes: Another calmer one... I think...

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**DA Meeting**

Harry arrived at Gryffindor Tower and collapsed on his bed. He buried his face on his pillow trying to forget what had just happened only minutes before. He could still hear Sohma's laughter ringing in his ears and Su Li's complaints about how yucky a boy's seed was. She had still swallowed part of it and Harry shuddered at the thought. That girl was getting perverted and it was all Sohma's fault. Harry felt that he didn't want to continue with any of that 'spouse' thing even if he had actually enjoyed the blowjob. He would never admit to anyone how incredibly good it felt though. The sensation of his member being swallowed by a moist warm mouth was definitely a memorable event. He just wished it had happened with a girl he truly loved. The ending of his adventure had been a definite turn off. Su cleaning herself with her robes and even rubbing her robes on his naked parts in front of Sohma was another memorable event that would give him nightmares for all eternity.

Ron got into the dormitory and saw his best friend, face buried in his pillow, messy raven black hair scattered over the fluffed white object under his face. "Harry? Are you crying?" Ron heard a stifled laugh that was almost muted by the pillow. "Harry? So you are laughing?" There was more stifled laughter and Harry lifted his head, locking emerald orbs with blue ones. "Okay, so you're not crying. Why are you in bed?"

"Ron, has Bulstrode tried anything strange with you?" Harry asked very interested.

"Well, she has been trying to give me a hand job. I've been avoiding that at all costs. She is as tall as me, but wider! I bet her hands would destroy my willy if I allow her to try anything there! Plus she is a Slytherin so maybe her intention IS to..." Ron gulped. "Sterilize me."

Harry started to laugh hysterically until tears were coming out of his eyes. He even started coughing and wheezing. "Get a grip, mate!" Ron exclaimed looking worried. He was seriously thinking Harry had gone mental.

Little by little Harry calmed down and looked at Ron. He grinned. "I received a blowjob."

"What? From that geeky girl?" Harry nodded. "How did it feel like? Was she any good?"

"You'll have to find out how it feels like yourself, Ron. I won't depict any descriptions, but I wanted your opinion on something. Does it count as losing my virginity?"

Ron sat on Harry's bed thinking hard. "I seriously have no idea, but maybe you did lost it in a strange way... Maybe you lose it when there's someone else involved in pleasuring you..."

"Great. So that girl really violated me," Harry said sarcastically.

"Wasn't it good to be violated by her mouth?" Ron asked with an evil grin.

"I'm going to shower," Harry stated, grabbing a towel and everything he needed. Ron kept grinning at his best friend.

XxXxX

The next day during Charms class Hermione, Harry and Ron discussed reactivating the DA meeting to practice proper Defense Against the Dark Arts. Hermione mentioned that she would reuse the fake Galleons and would also look for any new students that were interested in joining. Their first meeting would be the next day at 7:00 PM. Ron seemed unable to articulate as they murmured about the DA meeting and Harry wondered what was wrong with his best friend. He turned scarlet and Hermnione averted her eyes also looking crimson as they discovered what was wrong with the redhead. There was a girl who had managed to get under the redhead's robes and was giving him a complete hand job during Charms. Harry quickly checked on Flitwick, but the tiny teacher was simply watching some students practice. He didn't seem to be noticing anything amiss at the back of the classroom.

With a groan Ron came and he covered his mouth to silence himself. Millicent Bulstrode blew a him a kiss and winked at him as she returned to her chair. Hermione looked bewildered. "Ron! Have you gone mad?"

"She was the one who placed herself there, Hermione!"

"And you willingly opened your legs for her to do her 'work,' huh? That girl looks like a body builder! If you like being trampled then suit yourself!"

Ron looked at Harry not understanding anything. "Harry... What's a body builder?"

Harry covered his own mouth to muffle laughter. "I'll tell you later. Flitwick is coming this way." Ron quickly used a cleaning charm to remove the excess of what he had brewed under his robes and straightened himself in his chair with his blue eyes a bit glazed.

XxXxX

The next night Harry was surprised by the quantity of students that showed up for the meeting. He had to ask the Room of Requirement to expand itself. Even though making the DA meetings was now allowed Harry preferred using the Room of Requirement as it provided everything they needed.

"As you all know we are here because just like in the previous school year we are in desperate need of proper Defense Against the Dark Arts training. Last year it was even worse in a certain sense because we weren't even allowed to meet like this, but this year at least we have that flexibility. I have spoken with Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore and they have kindly given me permission for these meetings so if we stay a little after curfew be assured that it will be alright, although the flexibility about returning to our dorms lasts until 10:00 PM. We only have an hour of flexibility in that aspect and I won't abuse the headmaster's trust after what he has bestowed upon us."

A student with an effeminate voice interrupted. "I'm so glad you're doing this! That awful teacher made me kiss a girl! A GIRL! Then I had to kiss Trent Carlyle in another class!"

A girl by his side rolled her eyes. "You're gay Karlo and Trent is a boy so you shouldn't be offended..."

"He is heterosexual, Ginnamarie!"

Harry coughed and everyone turned their eyes on him. "I do understand that some students have felt very uncomfortable with Professor Sohma, but we are not here to discuss his teaching style, but to practice defending ourselves, alright?" Harry clapped his hands together. "Not let's get started! Wands ready!"

The practice was going smoothly except for Su Li constantly trying to touch Harry in unappropriate ways. He kept whispering to her: "Stop it already and practice like everyone else!"

"I want to try something new, spouse," she whispered back.

"I'm not your spouse, Su. Stop this madness!"

"We have to be together until the school year ends. Soon we'll even have a baby."

"You don't have to take Sohma seriously! Can't you understand that? And it won't be a baby! It'll be a stupid doll!"

Su grabbed him by the collar of his robes and whispered in his ear: "I want to feel you inside me. Prof. Sohma says it will be unforgettable." Harry went pale and gulped. His heart was beating fast as he felt temptation overwhelming him, but he pushed Su aside.

"Please Su, this is not you." Harry pleaded, but the girl licked her lips in a very seductive way. "Just grab a book and read, okay? It will drift your mind from... sex." His voice came almost high pitched. His carnal part wanted sex very much indeed and it was almost like a demon inside him purred wanting him to take the chance.

To his relief Su obeyed and picked up a book, but at that moment the door to the Room of Requirement opened and Sohma pranced in happily. All of the students were speechless and almost frightened. "Hello everyone! I was informed by Mr. Malfoy of this great meeting to practice what is being taught in my class! I was so touched by the information that I had to come in case you needed any tips from the master! So? What have you been practicing?"

Harry let himself drop on a chair and hid his face in his hands. Somehow he had to make Draco pay for this.

* * *

**Thank you to my reviewers: Yuki the Rat and YuriyTalaIvanov**

_Please Review. _


	22. Harry, Snape, The Cat, and

Author's Notes: I haven't updated in a while because I was spending time with my family. Enjoy!

* * *

**Intro**

Harry was in Potions class still furious about what had happened the night before. Malfoy would pay for revealing their DA meeting to Sohma. In his rage Harry made his cauldron explode.

"POTTER! WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?" Snape spat all over Harry's face.

"STOP SPITTING AT ME YOU BASTARD! I HATE YOUR BLOODY CLASS!"

"HOW DARE YOU? DETENTION SATURDAY NIGHT!"

"SEE IF I CARE. JUST KISS MY ARSE!"

"ONE HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

Snape vanished Harry's disaster and marked a zero on Harry's parchment, then went to check on other cauldrons to torture other non Slytherin students. Harry growled and looked at Ron: "Ron... Was I in character right now?"

"Nope! But this is a fic so don't worry about it. OOCness is normal and Snape deserved that cheek. I wish I had your guts."

"By the way, Ron, you would look very cute in a pink tutu," Harry said in a very effeminate voice.

"Wrong fic Harry. You are not gay in this one. You are supposed to be heterosexual plus no redhead would look good in pink."

"Oh! Right! Ron... Your freckles look very nice."

"Wrong fic Harry! You are not gay! Plus you are almost never into me in fics. The norm is for you to be paired up with either Snape or Malfoy."

"Snape or Malfoy? What the hell are writers thinking? You are my best friend! It should be you!"

"Careful Harry, the one who writes this fic is one of them even if you are supposed to be het in this one..."

"With Snape? With Malfoy? Are writers on drugs? What the hell are they smoking to pair me with the greasy git or with that pompous prat Malfoy?"

"Harry, do you want Shiemi Shimabukuro to kill you in this fic? You sure seem to be asking for it..."

"Oops! I love boobies! Boobies are my thing! And they have to be very big!"

"Better, Harry. Now lights, get set, action!"

"Err... Ron? I thought it was a fic, not a movie set."

"Oops! You're right! My bad!"

**Harry, Snape, The Cat, and The Snake**

Harry was on his way to his detention with Snape and felt someone following him, but saw no one. He was a bit angry because to top everything that had happened to him he had lost his DADA notebook and hadn't been able to find it. He knocked on the dungeon door and Snape's voice told him to come in. There were four barrels ready for Harry to deal with disgusting potion ingredients. He was about to start when he felt something enter his trousers. He gasped.

"What is wrong with you, Potter? You should start working on those ingredients for me!"

"There's something in my pants! Something entered my pants!" Harry looked terrified and started to jump up and down while touching his trousers as he felt the thing coming up through his right leg. In a high-pitched voice he exclaimed: "It's coming up my leg! IT ENTERED MY BOXERS!" Harry started to scream.

Snape was getting angry thinking Harry was joking, but approached the boy who was now jogging in the same place and suddenly jumping strangely. "Do you need to use the loo?" Snape asked disgusted.

"THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY FUCKING PANTS AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT WANTS TO EAT MY WILLY!"

"There are no live potion ingredients here, Potter! Nothing will eat your willy!"

"JUST GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! HELP!" Harry looked like he could faint as he felt the creature somehow caressing his parts.

McGonagall had come to speak with Snape about who would watch Sohma's class the next week and stopped as she heard screaming from Snape's office. She placed her ear on the door curiously instead of knocking. She was horrified to hear the exchange.

"JUST GET IT OUT!"

"IF YOU MOVE SO MUCH I CANNOT ENTER YOUR PANTS, POTTER!"

"GET IT OUT!"

"STOP MOVING, POTTER SO I CAN ENTER MY HANDS! That's it. I don't see... Wait a second!"

"GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!"

"I'M WORKING ON IT, POTTER! HOLD STILL AND I'LL RID YOU OF YOUR PROBLEM!"

"NOW YOUR FUCKING HANDS ARE IN MY TROUSERS!"

"STOP MOVING SO I CAN GET IT OUT!"

McGonagall entered Snape's office at last and screamed when she saw Snape's hands in Harry's pants. She placed a hand on her chest and gasped for breath. "SEVERUS! WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOU DOING TO THAT BOY?"

Severus suddenly got a gray snake out of Harry's pants and glanced at Minerva looking pale. "It's not what it looks like..."

"OH BY MERLIN! AND USING A SNAKE?" Minerva fainted.

Snape glared at the snake. "I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU SOHMA!"

Harry fell on his knees with trembling lips and blurted "I've never been so humiliated in my entire life."

* * *

Thanks to: The Insane Imortal Dragon, Yukitherat, and Aquila Corax

_Please Review._


	23. Vibrations

Author's Notes: LOL So they get shorter, huh? Here is an early update then! Ahaha! Hope the second flick is not offensive! I took the idea from my dear friend **Kawaii Denka**, from animesuki, who used the idea in one of his Gundam Seed Destiny parodies, so he deserves credit for the disturbing idea! Yeah, we're a couple of perverted and insane people. -covers eyes-

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**Explanation**

The group composed by three teachers and a student had ended up in the headmaster's office. The four kept yelling at each other in the following fashion.

"THE BIGGEST PERVERSION I'VE EVER SEEN OF A TEACHER TOWARDS A STUDENT! AN EMBARRASSMENT TO THE SCHOOL! DEPRAVATION IN THE LOWEST RANKS! HOW DARED YOU DO THAT TO THAT BOY, SEVERUS? AND WHAT'S THAT EXCUSE OF SOHMA? WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT ANYWAY? I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES! YOU HAD YOUR HANDS IN MR. POTTER'S GENITALS!"

"I ONLY... I'M SORRY, I... WILL ANYONE LET ME SPEAK? I CAN EXPL..."

"NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I BEEN SO HUMILIATED! BOTH SOHMA AND SNAPE'S FILTHY HANDS IN MY PRIVATE PARTS! I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOOK AT MY NAKED BODY EVER AGAIN! I WANT THE EARTH TO SWALLOW ME!"

"DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME ANY OF THAT, POTTER! YOU WERE THE ONE ASKING ME TO GET IT OUT! AND YOU, MINERVA, YOU SAW THAT I WAS REMOVING THE PERVERTED SNAKE FROM MR. POTTER'S TROUSERS!"

Dumbledore produced an explosion that caused the foursome to look at him. "Glad to have your attention at last. I believe Professor Sohma is saying that he can explain. I will hear every single version of course. First I will start with Mr. Potter's and everyone will be silent as he speaks. Mr. Potter?"

Harry took a deep breath and started speaking. "I went to my detention with Snape, I mean Prof. Snape." Dumbledore nodded reassuringly and motioned for the boy to continue. "I felt someone following me, but saw no one. I entered the office and proceeded to separate potion ingredients when I felt something enter the leg of my trousers. I started to say it aloud and the creature went upward and entered my boxers. I was hysterical by that because I thought it would hurt me in that area. I don't remember very well what I screamed, just that I was desperate to get it out, but feared looking for it myself. Then Sn... Professor Snape told me to stay still and he... He entered his hands in my pants. I could feel his horrible hands in my little guy, but then he got the creature out and it turned out to be Sohma."

"Have you known about Sohma's curse from before, Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

"Yes, sir."

"Very well. Minerva?"

"I was going to speak to Severus when I heard screams from his office. I was horrified to hear Mr. Potter and Severus speaking about hands in pants and about getting it out and I entered to find Severus with his hands in Mr. Potter's genitals. At that moment he removed Ayame from Mr. Potter's parts."

"Severus?" Dumbledore asked.

"I simply tried to help Mr. Potter as he kept yelling that there was something in his pants. I did not enjoy getting my hands into Potter's trousers and even less enjoyed finding Sohma in there."

"Ayame?" Dumbledore looked at the young teacher almost tenderly.

Aya seemed very nervous, but regained courage and started to speak. "I was following Mr. Potter because I found his DADA notebook when I tidied my classroom. I wanted to give it to him and I saw him pass the classroom. I tried to follow him, but then he was going to the dungeons. I didn't want to call him because I thought it would be bad manners to start screaming Mr. Potter's name through corridors. I kept following in a quick pace when the coldness of the dungeons affected my frail and delicate body. I lost my human form and I was very cold. I slid as fast as I could after Mr. Potter and entered behind him into an office. That's when I noticed it was Severus' office and I freaked out. I was terribly scared of Severus seeing me there in my serpent form so I wanted to hide. The quickest hiding place was Mr. Potter himself, plus it promised a nice warm body for me. I climbed through Mr. Potter's leg as he moved frantically and entered the first place I found, although my real objective was to warm myself in Mr. Potter's chest. I stayed in that warm area as Mr. Potter yelled and then Severus got me out. I transformed to human form a little afterwards and then you brought me my robes, sir." Ayame stated everything humbly in front of Dumbledore and the headmaster chuckled.

"Well, wasn't this a funny event?" Dumbledore asked laughing.

Harry growled, Snape hissed, and McGonagall took a handkerchief and dried some sweat from her forehead.

**Vibrations**

Harry couldn't recover from the humiliation. He couldn't even look Snape in the face anymore, but it was mutual. In Potions class Snape didn't approach him at all, which was something that caused curiosity to arise among students. There were murmurs about Snape avoiding Harry instead of hovering above him and Ron kept asking Harry what had happened and Harry kept muttering 'nothing.'

That day in DADA class they still didn't have the stupid dolls, but Sohma separated the girls from the boys and gave them a strange conference. Some of the girls looked horrified, others snickered, and others reddened. Afterwards Ron kept pestering Hermione about what had Sohma taught them and Hermione blushed and shook her head not wanting to say anything about it.

After dinner Harry got his unwanted spouse close to him. She started to walk with him through the empty aisle and he tried to keep his distance afraid of her pushing him into an empty classroom. He tried to get rid of her by going to the floor where Moaning Myrtle's toilets were and he noticed Su enter her hand to the lower part of her robes and touch something there. She suddenly reddened and started to moan in a very strange way. She grabbed Harry's arm and moaned and mewled as she moved in a way that clearly stated there was something between her legs. "Feels sooooo goooood... Ahhh Ahhhh AHHHHH!"

Harry tried to cover her mouth, reddening himself because he felt hotness in a certain area at seeing Su in that state. He stifled her last scream and she was panting in his arms. He quickly entered the restroom with her to check what the hell Su had between her legs. He opened her robes and blushing madly got his hand in her knickers and removed the artifact. He looked at it curiously. "What the hell is this?" He swallowed as the shape of the object was fairly obvious.

"Sohma gave it to me. Isn't it great? I was just testing it, but I would prefer to test the real thing..."

"Sohma gave this to you? What is that man thinking? I'm going to the headm..."

Harry wasn't able to finish his sentence as Su started to kiss him wildly and a sensation of temptation started to get over him. It was a perfect chance and the girl was giving herself willingly, but at the same time he thought it was terribly wrong. He didn't know what to do, but the girl kept advancing. "Oh! What the hell!" He finally exclaimed and took the plunge.

**The Day After**

"It sucks. The instrument was better," the girl whispered in DADA class.

"Shut up already, Su!" Harry whispered back. "I'm glad I suck so there won't be a next time. Did you protect yourself?"

"For the hundredth time, yes. I'm not stupid like you."

"Why, thank you, Su! Glad things are not working out between us, spouse!" Harry told her sarcastically and with mild anger, and Sohma approached them.

"Looky here, everyone! Miss Li and Mr. Potter are already having a matrimonial crisis! Things are getting so interesting, are they?"

"I want a divorce!" Harry exclaimed.

"Sorry, Mr. Potter. You will have to work things out. Plus today, we are finally starting parenthood at last! Here is your baby! Hope it will mend the relationship!"

Harry groaned and Su stuck her tongue at him.

"So how will you name the baby? Remember that you two will have detention if you don't choose a name..."

Both spoke at the same time, Harry a girl's name and Su a boy's name. "Cleopatra/Damien!"

"Oh! I didn't mention the sex. Let's check it." Ayame opened the doll's clothes and nappy and showed the gender to the class. "And Miss Li and Mr. Potter are the proud parents of a little boy! So Damien Potter it is!"

Su stuck her tongue at Harry again and blurted in a sing-song voice: "Loser."

Harry wanted to murder Sohma for unleashing a monster in that girl.

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**Thanks to YuriyTalaIvanov, gophtopia, and Slyly Silent for your reviews!**

_Please Review. Ehehe_


	24. The Bad Father

Author's Notes: Yes, it's short, but I do have have too many fics and I'm going mad. (Wait a sec, wasn't I already mad from the beginning?) LOL Hope you enjoy it though.

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**The Bad Father**

After Su had the doll for two weeks it was Harry's turn to have the doll for two weeks too. In Sohma's class they had to constantly show that the 'baby' was getting proper care. So far most of the students were passing the parental course with flashing colours. Harry hadn't been looking forward in any way to fathering the doll, but knew it had to happen sooner or later.

The doll cried when it was supposedly hungry and Harry had to feed a fake bottle of milk to it. The doll also cried when it needed a nappy change. Even though there was nothing there Harry had to remove the nappy and place it again in practice as if he had just performed a nappy change. The-Boy-Who-Lived also had to bathe the doll so he simply got into the shower with it. He would place the doll on the tiled shower's floor to wash his own body first and the doll always started to 'cry'. Harry also had to sleep with the doll.

There was something that at least didn't make Harry's mood become worse and it was seeing his roommates in the same situation. Ron was incredibly gentle with his doll though. Harry had never heard Ron's doll 'crying' while the redhead was in the shower. Harry wondered how Ron could accomplish that.

The dolls had to be taken to every class. Most teachers had ignored the situation, but Snape was going mad. The dolls seemed to have been programmed to start crying during his classes. He had even gone to the headmaster to complain and Dumbledore had chuckled and said that it was just a coincidence. Snape didn't believe so. He had even gone to his fellow teachers and all of them told him that occasionally a doll would 'cry' during their classes, but not all of them. In the case of Potions class all the dolls would start crying quite loudly at the same time.

In one of the classes Snape almost lost it as all the dolls were crying in unison and the 'parents' trying to calm them. He couldn't tell the 'parents' to leave the class with their supposed to be 'babies' because that would have meant giving the whole class a free period. He screamed: "SHUT THE BLOODY THINGS UP!"

Lisa Turpin raised a trembling hand and Snape glared at her. "Sir?" the girl started. "Perhaps they cry because you are so scary when you teach..."

Snape's face went purple. "TWENTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!"

Of course, even though the students agreed with Lisa, no one backed her up, plus to make matters worse, the dolls started to wail even louder at Snape's yelling.

Harry was one of the students trying to deal with his own doll. It just wouldn't stop crying. In rage, Harry shook the doll violently and then threw at the floor. All the students looked at him horrified. The girls, including Hermione, gasped and shook their heads, but that wasn't all. The worst part was the doll's eyes started to glow red and it started to float eerily around the dungeon. Then it floated and got itself in front of Harry's face. "You've just killed me. You should never shake a baby. Didn't you know about the shaken baby syndrome? Now you'll become a troll. TROLL!" The doll opened its mouth looking almost demonic and made a scream so awful that everyone, including Snape, had to cover their ears.

The scream turned out to be an alarm. Sohma, who had been teaching his third year class at that moment, dismissed it and ran towards the dungeons. He arrived there and ran to the doll and grabbed it. He flicked his wand and the shout of alarm ceased. He breathed a sigh and asked: "Who is the bad parent who killed his baby?"

All of the students pointed at Harry, who wanted the ground to swallow him.

"Mr. Potter! You should be ashamed of yourself! You've killed your own son! You know what that means, right?"

Harry shook his head, praying in his mind: 'Not detention, not detention, not detention...'

"This means that you obtain a 'T' grade on your parental course which means you're a troll when it comes to parenthood. On the other hand..." Sohma flashed a charming smile. "You'll get detention! For the rest of the school year, every Saturday." Sohma turned to Snape. "If you give him detention too, use Sundays please, Severus." Snape rolled his eyes.

"This is so stupid!" Everyone turned to the student that spoke. It had been Draco Malfoy. "You're supposed to teach DADA, not parenthood! I actually feel dumb for not doing what Pothead just did myself!" Everyone gaped.

"Mr. Malfoy?" Sohma's white teeth shone. "You'll join Mr. Potter in his detentions."

"WHAT? NO WAY! I ONLY STATED AN OPINION. I HAVEN'T KILLED THE LITTLE FREAK YET!"

"You already heard me, Mr. Malfoy." Sohma caressed the doll. "You poor thing. You are now in Heaven, but I can always give you a new 'soul'." He looked at the girl that was supposed to be Harry's spouse. "Miss Li? This won't affect your grade as you were an excellent mother. Do you want to split from your spouse for killing your child?"

"Yes, please," Su said expressionlessly as she straightened her glasses. "He is no good anyway, plus he sucks when it comes to having sex."

Harry banged his head against his desk as the rest of the students either laughed or snickered.

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**Thanks to: Lady11Occult, Kasurin YokaiNeko, The Insane Imortal Dragon, Slyly Silent -glad you like it, YuriyTalaIvanov, and Yuki the Rat - I don't think I will kill anyone in this one. Not even Aya. LOL **

**_Please Review!_**


	25. Detention With Sohma & Malfoy

Crazy Author's Notes: Update E-Everyday? Eep! Maybe if this had been the only thing I was writing, but I'm currently working in at least three fics, four if you include this as a fic, and had to place three other fics on hold! LOL Sorry! Ehehehehehe!

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**Ron's Mystery**

The night came and Harry was in a foul mood. Not only his grade in DADA had dropped considerably, but as bonus he had obtained detention for what was left of the school year. He had to be the most miserable student in Hogwarts, and unfortunately, knowing that Draco was stuck with him didn't make him feel any better. In his opinion that would only make the detentions worse, if that was even possible when it came to Sohma.

Ron was currently at the shower and as usual, the doll was not crying. Harry scratched his head and decided to see for himself how Ron accomplished that miracle. "Ron?"

"Huh?"

"I'm coming in!"

"Er... Alright, but don't you dare make fun of me!"

"What for?" Harry asked entering the bathroom.

"Nothing... Forget I said that," Ron replied.

"How do you keep it quiet?" Harry asked sliding the curtain open. Ron almost shrieked. "What the..." Harry reacted as he saw Ron's doll carefully placed in a tiny bathtub filled with warm water, in a sitting position. The bathtub was nicely kept out of the direct showering water. "So that's how you keep it quiet! What made you think of doing that?"

"Well, I thought it would be better for her (Ron's doll was supposed to be a girl) to be in her own bathtub... She looks comfortable, doesn't she?" Ron asked, making Harry raise an eyebrow.

"You... You might make a great father someday..." Harry stated somberly. He wondered how he hadn't come out with the same idea, but the answer was simple. It was a fucking doll! Harry waved a a 'bye-bye' at Ron and started to leave the bathroom.

"Harry... You alright, mate?" Ron re-opened the curtain and asked his leaving friend.

"Never been better," Harry replied in a very monotonous tone. Ron frowned, shrugged, and closed the curtain to finish showering.

**Detention with Sohma and Malfoy**

Saturday night Harry started his walk toward Sohma's office. When he got there he found Malfoy standing in front of the door. Malfoy looked at Harry and made a disgusted expression before knocking. The door flung open, but Sohma wasn't there. Both students entered and looked around the office when suddenly the door that led to Sohma's private quarters flung open and out came out a colourful creature with enormous wings with wild designs. Draco cringed and got behind Harry while Harry simply put his right hand on his forehead. Sohma announced: "LOOK! I'M A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!"

"My eyes hurt," Harry stated weakly. "Too much hot pink..."

"Oops! Anyway, what do you think of my latest design!" Sohma asked happily.

"It's... awf..." Harry had quickly turned and muffled Draco's mouth, moving his head from side to side. He removed his hand and Draco gave him a strange look, but changed what he was originally going to say. "It's marvelous! Brilliant! Astounding! I've never seen anything more... colourful! It definitely suits you, sir!" Draco was of course being extremely sarcastic.

Harry made a thumbs up sign to Draco and whispered: "If you say you don't like it he'll make us wear things like those to fulfill our detentions." Draco shrieked, but...

"Ohohohoho! You were going to say it was awful at first, right Mr. Malfoy?" There was an evil gleam in Sohma's yellow snake eyes.

"No!" Draco quickly exclaimed. "I was going to say that it was... Awesome! I just confused the e with an f. That's all!"

"Liar, liar, liar! But I'm a charming person and because I am so charming we are going to make a beautiful story today! We will even dress up! I will be the mother butterfly that gave birth to a cute caterpillar. Mr. Potter? You'll be the caterpillar! The caterpillar sews a nice and comfortable cocoon, but from the cocoon emerges a beautiful butterfly Mr. Malfoy. I will even take some pictures! Won't it be fun?"

Draco was trembling with horror. "I will not dress like that. No way!"

"Do you want to lose two hundred points from Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy?"

"Two... Two hundred? Are you fucking insane? No one takes that much!"

"You are deliberately disobeying a professor, Mr. Malfoy. And watch your language, young man!" Sohma said with a smile and moving his right index finger while winking an eye.

Malfoy stared at Harry and mouthed. "Is it always like this?"

Harry nodded, looking an interesting shade of green.

Harry had to dress in a dark green caterpillar costume that included a wig of pink hair. "Why do I have to wear this ridiculous wig, sir? Caterpillars don't have hair..."

"We're just being creative here, Mr. Potter. And you look so cute! Twenty points for Gryffindor for your cuteness!" Aya went bouncy and happy.

Draco looked at Harry while gaping in horror. He quickly got into his yellow butterfly costume and noticed Sohma bringing a humongous brown bag. "What's that bag for?"

"This is the cocoon, Mr. Malfoy! You will come from inside here!" Sohma took pictures of Harry and Draco's soured faces in their disguises. "Great! Now we will rehearse!"

"Rehearse for what?" Harry asked very quickly while gulping.

"Rehearse for the butterfly play of course! You will do this play next week at dinner time in front of the whole school! It will be... SPECTACULAR!" Sohma exclaimed waving his hands.

Draco's lips were trembling and Harry turned to him. "You alright?"

Looking pale, Malfoy turned to Harry. "I will need therapy when the school year ends if all these detentions will be like this, Potter... No one told me that humiliating myself in front of the school was part of it."

"Look it on the bright side, Malfoy. I'm being humiliated too..."

"It's not funny when I have to undergo the same treatment as you, Pothead."

"Suit yourself then!" Harry exclaimed rolling his eyes.

"Both of you! Look at me and say 'ni'!" Sohma said beaming.

Harry and Draco raised eyebrows and both asked at the same time: "Ni?" Just then there was a flash from the camera and they realized they had been deceived.

"I couldn't have dreadful pictures of you two without smiling, could I?" Sohma stated matter of factly.

"Is there a way to steal that film?" Draco asked Harry in a whisper.

"Why bother when the whole school will see us anyway, live?" Harry answered looking sick.

"Fuck!" was Draco's reply.

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**Thanks to: Lady11Occult - That's an interesting question. YTR wants the same... LOL I might consider to make them befriend each other, but I don't know if I'll get it further than that... Don't know if I have yaoi/M slash haters that would be disturbed by Harry turning gay all of a sudden. Ahaha, The Insane Imortal Dragon - LOL, YuriyTalaIvanov, Kasurin YokaiNeko, and gophtopia - I had to decipher your review and I still don't know what 'copition' is. LOL **

**Thank you all for reviewing!**


	26. The Butterfly Play

Crazy Author's Notes: I've been terribly lazy to write lately! Hope it will pass soon! Enjoy!

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**The Cat and the Snake 2**

Ayame went happily into Minerva McGonagall's office and knocked on the door. "Yes?" was the reply that came from inside the office and Aya entered. The Transfigurations teacher gave Aya a curious look and removed her glasses. "Can I help you, Ayame?"

"Yes! As a matter of fact you can, Minerva!"

"Please tell me it's not another study, research, or whatever you come up with in that little squishy thing you have for a brain, Ayame."

"Squishy! I love that word! Maybe I'll start calling Lucky Kyou, Squishy Kyou!" Aya thought aloud.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Ayame."

"Oh! Kyou is one of my cousins! He is very cute and has such a bad temper that makes him cuter and easy to tease!"

"So you came to tell me that you have feelings for your cousin? Well, that's good for you, Ayame. Now, I do need to finish correcting these assignments."

"Feelings for Kyou? Ew! No! He's cute, but no thanks! I prefer older people."

Minerva started to cough. "I truly hope you don't mean anything strange by older people, Ayame..."

"Oh, I was almost forgetting why I came here! I wanted to have your opinion on the 'perfect man'. What is your ideal man, Minerva?"

"I am not into those things, Ayame. I need to finish correcting these. Thanks for asking. Maybe you can go to Pomona or Poppy, or Sybill... I'm sure Sybill would be perfect as a subject." A slight smirk formed in Minerva's lips.

"I just thought that as you are a very brilliant woman your opinion on a perfect man would be flawless, but as you say that you are not into men then, what is your opinion on the perfect woman?"

Minerva stood in front of her desk, teeth clenched. "I did not say that I was not into men, Ayame. Just that I am not interested in frivolities like discussing perfect men!"

"Oh! But at least you must have some sort of opinion on men..." Ayame thought for a few seconds. "I know! Your ideal of a perfect man is Professor Dumbledore, right?" He winked at her.

"Ayame, Albus is far from perfect. He has made many mistakes and I've disagreed with him on several occasions."

"Oh! Then your perfect man is Severus?"

"Only if I was possessed, Ayame. Now, please..."

"Me? I am so flattered, Minerva! I know I'm perfect, but unfortunately you're too old for me! I'm only twenty-seven, you know? Although now I'm curious! Were you a beauty in your younger years? Do you have any pictures?"

Minerva took out her wand, levitated Sohma out of the door, and shut it.

Sohma fell on his arse and blinked. "I wonder if I said something wrong... Oh well..."

**The Butterfly Play**

As part of their detentions schedule, the Saturday after their first detention together with Sohma, Draco and Harry were already in costumes for the 'during dinner play'. Albus stood up and everyone stared at the headmaster. "As you've all heard there will be a small play at this moment, to make dinner more enjoyable. Two students that are in detention for misbehaving are to perform for the whole school. Hope everyone enjoys what they have prepared for us." Dumbledore sat and the lights were dimmed in the Great Hall.

A flash of hot pink entered the Great Hall and the illumination went back to normal. There was Sohma, almost unrecognizable as a butterfly. He spoke dramatically: "Oh! I am so tired! I, the beautiful mother butterfly! I'll soon be a mummy! Isn't it wonderful? Oh! The pain!" The lights were dimmed again and when they were normal there was what looked like a giant egg next to the hot pink butterfly. It broke and Harry came out, dressed as a dark green caterpillar with a wig of pink hair. Sohma came to him and hugged him. "Oh! What a beautiful son I've given birth to!" Harry's face looked as green as the disguise. "Soon he'll be a beautiful butterfly like his mummy!" Sohma placed a very noisy kiss on Harry's cheek and the boy looked like he would retch.

Harry spoke in a very monotonous tone, not acting at all. "Now I will make a cocoon to become a butterfly like my mummy. Oh, how beautiful will I be. I can't wait to see how I'll look like. Now I will spin." Harry, with an expressionless face, started to supposedly weave a cocoon. The lights were dimmed and when they returned to normal there was a big brown sack. Harry held the sack and spoke again without expression. "Oh, it's ready. I will be here for many days and then I'll be beautiful like my mummy at last." Harry started to get into the sack and the lights went out completely.

The lights came back and Snape was furious holding a script. "Why do I have to be the one to read this?" The other teachers gave him a look and he snorted. "Fine!" He read: "Many days passed and the ugly caterpillar stayed inside its cocoon, but one beautiful warm day of spring the caterpillar came out in its new form." Snape returned to the table and threw the parchment in front of Hagrid, who blinked not knowing why the parchment was thrown at him.

The lights went out once more and as the illumination came back the brown sack moved and out came Draco as a pale yellow butterfly. He spoke weakly and as expressionless as Harry had spoken before. "Look, I'm a beautiful butterfly like my mummy now. See me fly..." Draco jogged and pranced around the Great Hall and then stopped in the middle. "Oh. But where is my gorgeous mummy." At that Ayame came as the mummy butterfly, hugged Draco, and kissed him noisily as he had done with Harry before. "Mummy, now I am beautiful as you..."

"Oh, I'm so proud of you, my son!" Sohma hugged Malfoy again.

Snape, from the teachers' table stood up and said in a bored tone: "The End."

The lights went out and came back. The whole school was silent. Hermione had covered her face and Ron's lips had gained an unhealthy white colour and were trembling. All of the Gryffindors looked pale, but not as embarrassed as the Slytherins. The Slytherins seemed to have suffered the play as if they all had been in Draco's place, prancing around the Great Hall in the ridiculous disguise. Suddenly some first years started to clap, followed by second and third years. From fourth year onwards everyone looked too numb to clap at all, but Dumbledore did clap and the teachers did the same out of respect for the headmaster, except for Snape, who left the Great Hall, his robes billowing gracefully behind him.

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**Thanks to my reviewers!**

**Slyly Silent, The Insane Imortal Dragon, YuriyTalaIvanov, and Lady11Occult**


	27. A New Student?

Author's Notes: As more than one person has asked for Yuki Sohma I've decided to bring him into the story. Hope you like! BTW, sorry I took so long. I've been suffering from Writer's Block with most of my fics recently and couldn't bring myself to even update this one. This chap didn't come out very funny, but I hope next one will! Enjoy!

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**A New Student?**

On Sunday everyone was whispering that a new student was coming even though they were already in the second semester. The new student was going to be placed in 6th year, but that wasn't all. Horror came upon everyone as they learned the new student was... Ayame Sohma's little brother!

Prof. McGonagall even went to Snape to ask him for some firewhisky. They already had more than enough with Ayame, there was no need to bring his little brother as a student to give them heart attacks.

Both Snape and McGonagall started to get drunk and were joined by Flitwick, Sinistra, Vector, Sprout, and every teacher in school except for Firenze. By dinner time the new student would be in Hogwarts and they had to be sober so they used spells by then to clear their heads.

Everyone was expecting the worst when the doors to the Great Hall opened and a tall and handsome blackhaired man escorted a very beautiful girly boy inside. The tall man was dressed in a Muggle suit while the gray haired boy behind him was already in school uniform and robes, but had a very sour expression on his beautiful face. Definitely not the joyful expression everyone expected Ayame Sohma's little brother to have.

All of a sudden Sohma got up from the professors' table and screamed. "YUUUUUUUKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" He started to run towards the black haired man and Yuki, but the boy prepared himself in a fighting stance and just as Aya was about to hug him he punched Aya's head, almost burying the man on the floor.

There was complete silence in the Great Hall at that and everyone was surprised at the annoyed expression Yuki wore before saying: "You are no brother of mine."

The black haired man laughed and said: "Yuki, you cannot change reality, you know? Aya will always be your older brother!"

"Shut up, Shigure! I will never forgive you by doing this to me."

The man called Shigure laughed nervously and helped Aya up. "I heard a rumour stating that you were unfaithful to me, Aya."

"What can I say, 'Gure? My charms are so great that the Potions master couldn't resist taking me almost by force!"

"Don't worry, Aya. I forgive you."

Both men joined hands and said: "Yes!"

Yuki couldn't stand it. "Why don't you just get out of here, Shigure? You two are embarrassing me!"

Aya turned to Yuki. "My! You've grown a few inches! And with every day that passes you look more and more like me!"

Yuki looked mortified, but just then Shigure left.

"Very well," said McGonagall with the Sorting Hat ready. "Sohma Yuki, you will now sit here so that the Sorting Hat can place you in the house you belong." She then started to pray in her mind: 'Not in Gryffindor. Please, Merlin, not in Gryffindor. I beg you!'

Yuki obeyed and the hat was placed on his head. "Let's see... You would make a great Ravenclaw. You definitely have the intelligence to be in that house, but at the same time you want to prove yourself. You want to be brave and free yourself from the ties that have you trapped. What do you prefer? Intelligence or Courage?"

'Courage', Yuki thought. "You have decided," the hat said. "GRYFFINDOR!" Yuki almost jumped when the hat yelled, but got up and looked confused at McGonagall.

The Transfigurations teacher looked like she wanted to cry. She wanted the Sohma boy to be placed anywhere but in her house, but with her luck... "That's Gryffindor table," she pointed with a trembling voice.

Yuki raised an eyebrow wondering if the female teacher was sick and then walked silently towards the table that would be his for the remaining time in Hogwarts. He knew something was not right when he was about to sit and everyone moved as far as they could from him. He immediately felt rejected and his features must had shown it for suddenly a red haired girl spoke to him: "You can sit by my side." The girl then glared at the rest of the students before saying: "Never judge a person for his sibling. My brother Percy is a prat and that doesn't make me one too."

The moment the red haired girl said that Yuki realized what was wrong and sighed. His new fellow students thought he was like Ayame. The thought could give him nightmares. "It's alright," he said softly as he sat next to Ginny.

"Ginny Weasley," she extended her hand and he took it with a half smile.

After that they all had dinner and were surprised at how silent Yuki was in comparison to his wild older brother. It almost seemed that Ayame spoke for the both of them for Yuki almost seemed mute in addition to introvertive.

XxXxX

Harry was still embarrassed after the previous day's performance, but at least he hadn't been the one most talked about. The image of Draco prancing through the Great Hall as a butterfly would stay with him forever. He was glad in a certain way that he had been the caterpillar. Problem was that Aya had already told them that he wanted to make a schedule of plays because it was 'so much fun'. Draco had almost had a heart attack. Yes, maybe it wasn't so bad when both archnemesis were submitted to the same awful treatment.

The-Boy-Who-Lived was wary as he saw the new student, Yuki Sohma, get into the Great Hall. He was actually happy when he saw Yuki punch Sohma, but was still afraid of Yuki being like his older brother. He felt a knot form on his stomach when the Sorting Hat placed Yuki in Gryffindor. He wanted to swear out loud at the thought of Yuki sharing their dormitory. A picture of Ayame Sohma sleeping on a bed beside his was the first thing that came to his mind and he wanted to scream, but then he kept observing Yuki. The new student didn't seem like his older brother, but appearances could be deceiving.

That night the 6th year boys were all in the dormitory, all wary around Yuki as the boy prepared his things in silence. His bed had been placed next to Harry's.

Yuki took towel and pajamas and looked at all of them. He approached the bathroom's door, still looking at the other boys and asked: "Does any of you need to go to the loo or something?" They all shook their heads. "Alright. I won't be long."

"No! Take your time!" Dean Thomas replied. "We won't mind! Right guys?"

Yuki raised an eyebrow and entered the bathroom ignoring them. He thought to himself: 'Idiots. Just like my stupid cat cousin'.

In a while Harry and the others saw Yuki come out and get to bed without uttering a single word, then Yuki closed the curtains. They all looked at each other and Seamus finally gained some courage. "Yuki, right?" The curtains of Yuki's bed opened and they saw the mousy brown haired boy blinking. "So, do you and your brother get along?"

"Who can get along with 'that thing'? And 'that thing' is not my brother!" Yuki abruptly closed the curtains, leaving them all stupefied.

All of a sudden the boys heard screams outside their door and Yuki opened the curtains again to ask: "What's happening?"

The door to the dormitory opened and Aya pranced in with McGonagall yelling behind him: "You cannot come here like this! Leave for your quarters at once!"

"I just want to say good night to my little brother, Minerva." Yuki cringed as the man sat on his bed and hugged him. "See? Isn't he cute, Minerva?"

"Get away from me!" Yuki exclaimed trembling.

"It's all the emotion from being so close to me at last, don't mind him," Aya justified.

"Get away from me! Go to hell!" Yuki kept saying.

"Ayame, you are making that boy uncomfortable!" Minerva said.

"Of course I'm not! What's wrong, Yuki? Tell everything to your older brother!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Yuki was now screaming and Aya freed him.

"Good night, Yuki. We'll see each other in class! You'll love my classes!"

With that Aya left and Yuki was wheezing on the bed. "Hey, you alright mate?" Ron asked the new boy.

"Why? Why me? Why do I have to have him as my teacher? He can't teach! He is insane! Who the hell would hire him as a teacher anyway? The one who hired him must be even crazier to commit such a crime!"

Harry was now pitying Yuki. It was obvious that Yuki and Aya weren't alike at all.

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**Thanks to Lady11Occult, echo-waters, Pai-Chan Funnyfilly, YuriyTalaIvanov, and Yuki the Rat! **


	28. A New Play

**Don't touch my brother!**

Yuki Sohma started his first day of classes in Hogwarts and joined the N.E.W.Ts level Potions class. He was the first student to finish brewing his potion and boringly handed a full flask to Snape. The man snorted as he grabbed the flask, expecting a disaster from the boy whose last name was Sohma and immediately got busy, trying to find something wrong with the Hallucinations causing liquid. He was amazed and angry at the same time when he couldn't find a single mistake in its brewing. "Who did you copy?" he asked in a harsh tone.

"I couldn't possibly copy anyone as they are all still working, sir. I believe I'm the first to finish, sir." Yuki was very polite in his soft manner of speaking and looked around to confirm that he had been indeed the first to finish. He was confused by Snape's question.

"Are you talking back to me, Sohma? Ten points from Gryffindor!"

Yuki blinked and then spoke: "May I ask why, sir?"

"For your cheek!"

"What cheek?" Yuki asked honestly taken aback. He was sure he had been respectful to the teacher.

"Talking back to me, Sohma! Were you next to Granger?"

"I... I don't know who Granger is, sir..."

"Lies!" Snape looked around the dungeon and saw Yuki's empty spot. The student on the right was Dean Thomas and the student to the left of the empty spot was Theodore Nott. The best students in class, Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger, were very far from where Yuki had been and Snape growled. "How did you do it when you have never been in Hogwarts?"

"I was home schooled, sir, and I've always done alright with Potions," Yuki said softly.

"So now you're boasting about being good with Potions? Detention for that other cheek, Sohma! Saturday night!"

Yuki couldn't believe it. He wondered what tone you were supposed to use with the Potions master as no matter what he said and how politely he spoke, he kept burying himself. It was only his first day and he had already landed himself in detention. "Yes, sir." Yuki replied before getting his things and leaving the dungeon.

Harry gave the leaving boy a pitied gaze and turned to Hermione. "Snape is always a bastard, but I feel that he hates Yuki as much as he hates me..."

"Of course he hates Yuki! Because Yuki is Professor Sohma's little brother!" Hermione answered.

XxXxX

Saturday night Yuki arrived at Snape's office. The other teachers congratulated him for surpassing their expectations, but Snape hated that he always finished his potion first. Yuki was seriously considering to start taking his time with his potions and wait for either Draco Malfoy or Hermione Granger to be the first to hand in their flasks. It seemed that Professor Snape was happy if the first student to hand in his flask was Draco Malfoy.

Yuki entered the dungeon after Snape's angered voice invited him in. He waited for the teacher to tell him what he had to do. "You will prepare these three potions I've written here. You will prepare them by memory and with me observing you the whole time. If you fail you will have zero as grade, counting as an exam."

Yuki swallowed and checked the three names of the Potions that were written in a parchment. He sighed in relief as he knew those three and immediately prepared a flame for the first cauldron provided and started to work with ease. Yuki had great self control so he didn't mind Snape hovering over him to see what he was doing. He concentrated and was absorbed completely into confectioning the liquids. In two hours he finished brewing the three potions and Snape was beyond gobsmacked. There was no cheating, no peeking into any books, nothing. The boy was a natural, but Snape didn't want to accept it. "Who taught you?"

The student was afraid of replying and getting points taken from Gryffindor. "A-Azalea Goodman," he stammered lowering his gaze.

"The Ministry's Auror and top Potions master herself?" Yuki nodded, never looking into Snape's eyes.

"You must come from a very wealthy family when they can hire Ministry personnel for home schooling," Snape drawled.

Yuki didn't dare reply and Snape kept studying the boy. He suddenly forced the boy to look into his eyes for a Legilimency attempt, but just then the door flung open. "Yuuukiiiiiiiii! Get your filthy hands off my little brother, Severus!" Severus had just lifted Yuki's chin when Ayame arrived to the rescue. "You were going to seduce him because he is so beautiful! You monster! One thing is raping Mr. Potter, but I won't allow any harm to come upon MY Yuki! I should have known you would make up some detention to obtain my little brother's body by force or by other evil means!" He hugged Yuki. "It's life's fault for making us so beautiful, Yuki! Even men lust after us! But don't worry! Here's your big brother to save you!"

Snape looked like he was going to explode. His face was completely purple. "SOHMA! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF PERVERSION? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU THAT THE ONLY PERVERTED VERMIN IN THIS SCHOOL IS YOU? NOT ME! SOHMA YUKI! LEAVE MY OFFICE AT ONCE!" Yuki freed himself from Ayame and looked from one teacher to the other in shock before running away from the office. Ayame followed suit, leaving a sulking Snape behind.

**A New Play**

Harry and Draco arrived at Sohma's office for that Saturday's detention, but Sohma seemed worried about something. He kept pacing and muttering about Yuki being in danger, Yuki being many people's infatuation object, Yuki having been blessed with too much beauty, etc. All of a sudden Ayame brightened and looked at both boys. "I have already chosen the new play we'll be performing!"

Draco's lower lip started to tremble and Harry slumped himself onto a chair, his eyes fixed on the floor.

"Well? Aren't you going to ask me which play is it?" Harry and Draco looked at each other and both shook their heads. "Oh! So you love surprises and you two don't want me to spoil it so soon, right?" Both boys twitched at that. "Well, here it is!" He showed them the script.

Draco screamed: "NO WAY! THERE'S KISSING IN THIS ONE! I WOULD NEVER KISS POTTER!"

"I agree!" Harry blurted.

"You wouldn't kiss yourself?" Draco asked him.

"I meant that I agree that I wouldn't have us kiss, Malfoy!"

Sohma grinned mischievously. "Who says that one of you is going to be the sleeping beauty?"

Both boys retorted at the same time: "I WOULD NEVER KISS YOU EITHER!"

"Ohohohoho!" Ayame looked almost evil. "Remember that this is detention so you have to do as I say if you want to pass my class, baby killers! I will simply put our three names into this basket..." With a flick of Ayame's wand their names appeared in pieces of parchment and entered a yellow basket that had frilly ribbons. "Now I will remove the name and that person will be Briar-Rose while the other name removed will be the handsome prince. Don't worry, I'll figure what to do about the other characters. And the sleeping beauty is... HARRY POTTER! While the prince is... DRACO MALFOY!"

"Why do I always have to be the woman!" Harry asked.

"Because that is the law of fanfiction, Mr. Potter." Ayame replied waving his index finger and winking.

"Huh?" Harry asked confused.

"Fanfiction, Mr. Potter! You are always the weak one, female like while Mr. Malfoy is always the manly one, the one on top, the giver." Aya licked his lips and Harry looked terrified.

"I... I can be a giver!" Draco looked at Harry with horror all over his features. "I mean, I'm not even gay! You keep confusing me!" Harry messied his hair.

"It's decided then. Mr. Potter is Briar-Rose while Mr. Malfoy is the prince."

"I WILL NOT KISS POTTER!" Draco yelled.

"Do you want to lose two hundred points from Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy?" Sohma asked with a big smile.

"I'm fucked!" Draco replied.

After two hours of practice Sohma left them to go check on Yuki and Snape, but of course he came back after a little while. "How's it going?"

Both boys looked at each other and Harry asked Draco in a whisper: "Have you ever considered suicide?"

"Not until I started these detentions, Potter."

"Do you have any idea of how to get Voldemort into the school?"

Draco paled and shook his head before asking: "Why?"

"Forget it." Harry replied and started saying his lines to an observing Ayame.

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Thanks to the people that reviewed! Happy! 


	29. The Chase and Unusual Sights

Managed to update! Enjoy!

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**This is Not Happening!**

The 6th year students were in one of their many crazy DADA classes and Yuki looked depressed with his chin resting on his right hand. He sighed for what had to be the twentieth time and Neville placed a hand on his shoulder, making Yuki jump in fright. "You scared me!" Yuki said in a whisper.

"Sorry, it's just that you look like you would be anywhere but here," Neville stated with a pitying gaze.

"Is it that obvious?" asked Yuki looking miserable.

Professor Sohma kept talking about how they were already ending the parenthood course. "Most students have passed marvelously! We only have two exceptions of course, but they are paying for their deeds with me! Mwahahahahahahaha!"

Draco and Harry looked at each other with sour faces. In the end Draco had also 'killed' his doll too. He had decided that if he was going to be in detention anyway he had nothing lose.

Ayame kept on speaking: "The new course we'll start will be amazing! You will all enjoy it as we are going to discuss in detail plenty of the positions you can perform in bed to please your partner!"

Yuki's face blanched and he stood up. "What kind of Defense Against the Dark Arts we'll learn from that? You are supposed to be here to teach us how to defend ourselves, not sexual positions!"

"Ah, Yuki! You have so much to learn! Of course we'll get to defense too!"

"Yes? When? So far I see that we are heading toward March and I was patiently waiting for you to finish this silly parenthood thing to pass to real defense against the dark arts!" Yuki looked furious and his breathing was uneven. He had turned red from anger.

"Oh, Yuki... I never thought I'd had to do this, but... DETENTION!"

"For telling you the truth?"

"For talking back to your older brother and teacher of course! You will be joining Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Potter for the next three detentions! And what's better, now we have another character for Briar Rose!"

Harry and Draco covered their faces. So far they had avoided the play due to lack of people to play characters.

Ayame kept laughing like a madman until the end of class.

**The Chase and Unusual Sights**

The students had just finished Potions class when Sohma came to make sure Snape wasn't trying to seduce Yuki. Lately, Ayame Sohma had been doing that a lot and Snape was losing his patience. The problem was that Professor Sohma had a tendency to transform whenever he went to the dungeons because the area was so cold during cold weather. That day wasn't an exception.

Yuki was about to leave the dungeon when he saw Ayame transform in front of his eyes. He smirked triumphantly and stared at the gray snake and grabbed it. "Now I'm going to give you to Professor Snape! I'm sure that he'll be quite amused!"

"Yuki, you are being cruel," said the snake in a very serious tone.

"Cruel? You are the one making disgusting insinuations all the time. You embarrass me and you are an embarrassment not only to the Sohma family, but to this school and the wizarding world as a whole!" Yuki entered the dungeon and was about to get to Snape when Pansy Parkinson clumsily bumped into him. Pansy didn't even notice what had happened after she had just finished speaking to her Head of House, but Snape did notice. Students that hadn't left the dungeon yet looked back to see Yuki Sohma's uniform on the floor.

"Isn't that Yuki's uniform?" Dean Thomas asked.

Pansy stared at the clothing and was about to pick it up when she picked up a rat instead and screamed. She let the rat fall and started to try and trample it while screaming: "A RAT! IT'S A RAT!" Pansy then saw the snake and screamed: "A SNAKE TOO!"

Some of the girls started to scream joining Pansy while other girls fainted. Pansy kept jumping trying to squash the rat and the snake, but Snape quickly tried to save the rat specifically. "Miss Parkinson! Do not attempt to kill my ingredients!" Snape said to the girl in an angry voice.

"I-I'm s-sorry, s-sir!" Pansy stammered. "I-I didn't know!"

But then the serpent tried to trap the rat spiraling with its body and the rat started to run towards the door with the snake after it. "I think one of your ingredients is attempting to devour the other, sir," Theodore Nott stated matter of factly and Snape started to run after the two creatures that were supposed to be some of his live ingredients.

Yuki was fleeing from his older brother through the corridor and just as they were out of earshot Ayame started to speak: "Yuki! Don't escape from your older brother! I am here to protect you!"

"There's no way I'll let you get me!" the rat spoke back.

Snape was running behind the two creatures, but there was someone else running behind Snape. It was Ronald Weasley and behind Ron was Harry asking: "Ron! What the hell are you doing?"

"I have to save that rat, Harry! Don't you see that snake wants to eat the rat? It's like when Crookshanks wanted to eat Scabbers! Don't you remember?"

"Ron! You are forgetting that Scabbers turned out to be a murderous Death Eater!"

"I don't care! That is a real rat and it needs help! I might be able to adopt it if I save it!"

"Ron! I'm sure that the snake won't eat the rat!"

"Don't be so dense, Harry! Snakes eat rodents!"

Snape managed to catch up with the creatures and grabbed the snake. "Are you seriously trying to eat your brother, Sohma?" Snape asked spitting all over the snake.

"How can you think something like that, Severus? I simply wanted to cuddle him! And please don't spit on me! It's disgusting!" Snape's hand made pressure on the serpent's neck and its eyes started to bulge out of their sockets.

The rat had halted and was staring at Snape with snake Ayame being strangled in his hands. "Mr. Sohma," Snape started speaking to the rat. "Come to my dungeon so you can fetch your..." Snape was unable to finish his sentence as Ron arrived and picked up the rat.

"You're alright now. That snake won't eat you. You'll be safe with me," Ron said with a genuine happy smile.

"Mr. Weasley! Would you hand that rat to me? It's one of my ingredients."

"I won't let you harm it! I'm going to adopt it!"

"Ten points from Gryffindor and give me that rat!"

"Never!" Ron fled with the rat in his hands and Snape swore aloud. He then noticed that Harry was there staring at him.

"Potter! Five points from Gryffindor!"

"For what?" asked Harry incredulously.

"For staring at me!"

Harry gaped, but at that same moment Ayame transformed. Students were coming through the corridor and there was a gaping Harry, a naked Ayame, and a horrified Snape. Ayame suddenly embraced Snape and begged: "Cover my beautiful body, Severus!"

"WHAT?" Snape asked.

"Sir! Many students are coming this way," Harry warned.

Ayame looked desperate and pulled Snape towards him while he got against the cold wall. Snape's robes covered most of Ayame, but things looked bad. To Harry, it almost looked like Snape had trapped Sohma against the wall to kiss him or something.

Students gaped like fish as they stared at the scene. Snape was furious and while covering Ayame with his majestic black robes stared at the students with fire in his eyes. "What are you looking at? Continue to your next class or whatever you have!"

The students hurried through the corridor and Hermione arrived with Sohma's robes in her hands. "I found Professor Sohma's robes close to the dungeon and..." In seconds Snape had savagely taken the robes from Granger's hands. "Thank you! Now LEAVE!"

Hermione jumped at Snape's tone, but started to leave with Harry. Immediately Snape passed the robes to Ayame and Ayame dressed quickly. "Oh, Severus! I could kiss you!"

"Now I'm going to kill you," Snape said smirking.

"Eep!" Aya fled as fast as he could and the only reason why Snape restrained himself from following was because it would look like him chasing after Sohma, which could make wrong assumptions arise.

XxXxX

Ron had arrived in Gryffindor Tower with the rat in his hands to place it on his bed. He entered the boys' dormitory looking gleeful and was placing the rat on his bed when there was a 'poof'. "What the--"

Ron lost his balance and fell forward on his bed with a naked Yuki Sohma below him. The position was very compromising and at that moment Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan entered the dormitory as they all had a free period at that time. Both boys gasped and Seamus said: "We'll leave now... To-to give you privacy. Don't mind us! You can continue with your..." Seamus joined his hands, moving them as if stating union non verbally, and blurted: "Mating!" He and Dean were out of the dormitory in seconds.

Yuki's lower lip trembled and his eyes were fixed on Ron's. "I--" he tried to speak, but couldn't.

"Why?" Ron asked. "Why is it that every rat I adopt turns out to be a person?"

"I can explain, but can you get off of me?" Yuki asked timidly.

"Sure!" Ron exclaimed in a high-pitched voice as he had just noticed Yuki's state.

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Thanks to Lady11Occult, miz, echo-waters, and YuriyTalaIvanov for your reviews!

_Please Review!_


	30. Wild Misunderstandings

Author's Notes: Yeah, there will be always OOCness in order to make it work as a parody sometimes. Ron was very strange in last chap, right? LOL This chap is mostly making Ron and Snape suffer.

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**Wild Misunderstandings**

Ron removed himself from Yuki Sohma and the naked boy quickly got out of the bed and was about to search for clothes when Harry came in and stared at Ron and then at Yuki. "I wasn't shagging him!" Ron quickly exclaimed in a defensive tone and Harry raised an eyebrow.

"I haven't said anything, Ron. As a matter of fact I know that the rat transformed on you even if in the common room they're indeed saying that you were shagging Yuki Sohma."

"They're saying that?" Ron asked looking pale and Harry nodded. "I'm doomed. My reputation is ruined forever! Now no girl will ever approach me! Not even that monstrous Bulstrode!" Ron covered his face, but suddenly grasped what Harry had just said. "You knew that the rat was Yuki?"

"I was going to ask him the same thing!" Yuki said with a surprised expression as he finished putting school robes over his uniform in replacement for the uniform that was left behind in the dungeon.

"Yes." Harry was looking at Yuki. "As soon as I saw your uniform on the floor I knew the rat was you. I already knew about the Sohma curse from your dear big brother," Harry said with disdain.

"That man is not my brother!" Yuki exclaimed glaring at Harry. "And another thing, please don't say anything about the curse to anyone," Yuki spoke to both Harry and Ron with a worried look.

"Don't worry," Harry said. "Anyway, you might want to fix what they're saying in the common room..."

"And how in Merlin's name will I be able to explain why I was lying over a naked Yuki in a position that was very compromising? And to make things juicier, on my bed?"

"No idea, mate," Harry replied sincerely. "You're screwed, but don't worry. The greasy git is in one hell of a tight situation himself. Everyone says he was rubbing his body against Professor Sohma's and kissing him in the middle of the dungeons aisle."

Ron looked really miserable and knowing that Snape could be in a tight situation was no consolation for him. He stared at Yuki questioningly, waiting for the other to suggest an idea on how they were going to get ouit of that one. Yuki looked clueless and said: "I was naked below you. I... I really don't know what we can make up and I'm sure they won't buy something like me falling on your bed and you over me..."

"Great, I'm going to go and throw myself from the Astronomy tower," Ron stated and he seriously started to head for the door when Harry stopped him, grabbing him by the shoulder.

"Ron, don't be stupid. Maybe you can say that you were under a love potion and attacked Yuki."

"Then it will look like I gave him the love potion! No thanks!" Yuki exclaimed quickly.

"Okay then, You're both doomed," Harry said with a seemingly concerned expression, but also trying to supress laughter.

"No!" Ron exclaimed. "I will go to the common room and clear things up!"

"You won't dare say anything about the curse!" Yuki looked scared.

"I won't. But I'll say it's all a misunderstanding."

Ron, Yuki, and Harry came down from the boys' dormitory and everyone was staring at them. Ron stood very sure of himself and exclaimed: "Whatever you've heard, I am NOT gay!"

"It's alright Ron, you can get out of the closet. No one will judge you," Dean Thomas said sympathetically.

"But I am not gay! It's just that Yuki was changing clothes and I tripped and fell on him!"

"He was on your bed, Ron. If you had tripped then you two would have been on his bed," Seamus said matter of factly.

"Okay! He was close to my bed at that moment!"

Colin Creevey patted Ron's back and spoke: "Don't worry. The truth won't leave Gryffindor tower."

"I am not gay! Plus I was fully clothed! Couldn't you see I was fully clothed?" Ron asked looking at Dean and Seamus.

Another fifth year boy that was next to Colin countered Ron: "Everyone knows you can shag a person being fully clothed. You simply have to open the zipper of your trousers and get _it _out of your boxers or briefs and you'll be able to shag a person fully clothed."

Ron wanted to scream and he felt even worse when Ginny approached him. "It's alright, Ron. I swear I won't tell mum."

"Ginny! Not you too! I'm not gay! Yuki! Say something!"

Yuki had remained quiet looking at the floor not really knowing what to say in his defense. His mind was a complete blank and he just couldn't publicly announce that he had been the rat. "What Ronald says is the truth. The only evidence I can come up with is to be checked by this school's healer to prove that..." Yuki took a deep breath. "I did fall on Ron's bed and he did trip and fall on me just before Seamus and Dean entered."

"Okay, we won't say that you are gay, but we still don't believe you," said Seamus and everyone agreed with him.

Hermione, who had been observing everything from a couch suddenly stood and with her right index finger gestured for Yuki to go to her. Yuki looked confused and approached her. "If this is because you truly think that Ron was shagging me--"

"It's not that," Hermione said rapidly. "Plus it's not like I'm interested in Ron... It's about something else."

"What?"

"Are you an animagus?"

Yuki blanched. "N-No."

"I've deducted that the reason you were naked is because your uniform is right here." Hermione searched in her school bag and removed Yuki's uniform and robes. Just like she had brought Ayame's clothes to Ayame she had also saved Yuki's clothes. "So yeah, I know you're not gay, or at least I think that you are not. What I wonder though, is how you got into the dorm naked. You certainly didn't run through the school's corridors nude unlike Professor Sohma who somehow managed to be naked in the dungeons aisle and had his nude state covered by Snape until I brought his robes that were casually close to the Potions classroom. Curiously we also had a rat and a snake running around and the rat's colour was exactly that of your hair while the snake was of the same colour as Professor Sohma's."

Yuki laughed nervously and tried to foolishly lie to the know-it-all. "I accidentally Apparated in the boys' dormitory without clothes."

Hermione smirked triumphantly. "It's not easy to Apparate through accidental magic and better yet, no one can Apparate in Hogwarts, Yuki Sohma. You are a very brilliant student so you should read _Hogwarts, A History _when you get the time to do so. You were the rat and the little accident happened because Ron rescued you. Am I right?"

Yuki was truly astonished by Hermione Granger's intelligence and by how she had added 2 and 2. He couldn't even reply.

"It's alright. I'll keep your secret, but now that I think about it, animagi don't lose their clothes..."

"That's because I'm not an animagus. It's a curse."

"Can it be broken?" Hermione asked with interest.

"I don't know, but I can't hug girls. That's a fact."

Hermione gave him a pitying gaze before turning and going towards her friends.

XxXxX

During the next days Snape had to deal with how the students stared at him. He knew very well what they were all saying. Sohma had made sure that the whole school would keep on believing that they were having an affair. No matter what Severus did he always ended up as a victim of the insufferable snake. Ayame Sohma deserved to die a very painful death. Not only the students stared at him, but also the rest of the faculty. Even Dumbledore smiled whenever he saw him and the supposed to be DADA teacher close to each other. It was making Severus sick.

Ayame Sohma arrived to Severus Snape's office. "Severus?" he asked in a sing song voice. "Oh, Severus?"

Snape glared from behind his desk. "What do you want, Ayame? Haven't you made my life miserable enough?"

"Temper temper! And after I bother to come all the way to this cold dungeon to give you good news!" Ayame shuddered as if he were cold.

"What are the good news? That you actually told the truth to the staff and mended my reputation?" Snape asked looking almost hopeful.

"What truth?" Ayame asked looking clueless.

"The truth of us not being anything at all, Sohma!"

"We aren't? And here I was to give you the good news! The headmaster told me that if we ever want a bonding ceremony he can perform it!"

"Bonding ceremony? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"It's something like marriage! I've read it in many slash fics! Instead of getting married wizards and witches in a same sex relationship are united through a magical bonding ceremony!"

"And who the hell decided that I should bond with you? And I don't know what the hell you're talking about! GET OUT!"

"Sheesh! What a nasty temper Severus has! A truly difficult man he is!"

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Thanks to: YuriyTalaIvanov, echo waters, Lady11Occult, and miz! 


	31. Before St Valentine's

Author's Notes: As St. Valentine's Day is approaching, well, I had to do this. Probably the timing isn't even right, but hey, does a parody have to make sense? Oh! The dates used are from 1997. On to the spoof of whatever this is! I had fun writing this one, btw.

**Important: **I might not write in any of my fics for a while because my baby is sick and has a very high fever. I even took her to hospital today. I wasn't supposed to update anything today, but the idea popped into my mind and I actually typed this with my baby on my lap, but she needs all my attention. Thanks!

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**Before St. Valentine's**

Yuki Sohma had managed to get himself in detention on Friday, February 7. He already feared what would happen the next day in his first detention with his own older brother, and to make things worse it seemed that Ayame was planning some play with Harry and Draco. Yuki was certain that he was doomed.

The next day Harry and Yuki walked together toward Sohma's office. They found Draco waiting in front of the door, obviously avoiding having to spend even a second alone with Professor Sohma. "About time! I was already dreading he would open the door and find me alone waiting!"

Harry rolled his eyes while Yuki raised an eyebrow. "You can knock now," said Harry.

"Why do I have to be the one to knock, Potter? You knock!" Draco replied with mild anger and in a commanding tone.

Yuki sighed and he was the one to knock on the door. "Come on in!" Sohma's voice exclaimed and the three 6th year boys entered the depth that was the DADA teacher's office. They wore horrified expressions when they saw Ayame Sohma wrapped in a white fluffy towel and with his hair also tousled in a towel. He looked like a woman because the towel covering his body was wrapped up to above his chest just like a woman would cover herself.

"Tonight I have a surprise for you! With the help of a nifty device I bought in a store in Diagon Alley called Weasley's Wizard Wheezes I've turned my bathroom into an onsen!"

"Onsen?" asked Harry and Draco at the same time.

Yuki muttered sourly: "He means a hot spring."

"But I thought we were going to rehe--" Harry covered Draco's mouth before the blonde could finish it.

Harry tried to sound enthusiastic. "Wow! Great! Have a nice bath! Can we leave now to give you privacy?"

Ayame started to laugh hysterically and then bored his slanted yellow eyes into Harry's bright green ones. "You are to enjoy the bliss of a hot spring bath with yours truly."

"No way!" Harry exclaimed quicker than intended.

"Yes way. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Draco blinked and Harry gaped.

"Mwahahahahahahahaha!" Ayame continued.

And then again: "Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!"

By that point Yuki went to his brother and hit him on the head: "Stop that already! It's embarrassing!"

Ayame then cleared his throat, made a seductive smile, and then said: "Follow me." He even moved his index finger indicating for them to follow, pursing his lips into a pout and winking an eye.

Draco and Harry shuddered while Yuki's face lowered, his mousy hair covering his features and creating an effect of darkness on them.

As soon as they were in the magically changed bathroom Aya exclaimed: "NOW LET'S GET NAKED!" He then put some techno music to play on a Muggle stereo.

Unconsciously Draco, in his state of deep fear, grabbed Harry's arm for support and Harry flinched and pulled his arm: "Don't you dare touch me, Malfoy!"

"It was never my intention, Pothead!" Malfoy spat enraged.

"My my! There's already excitement in the air!" Aya exclaimed and then: "Mwahahahahahahaha!"

"STOP THAT!" Yuki yelled.

"Now, will you remove your clothes to the music's beat or should I do it for you?" Aya asked with a sly grin.

Immediately the three boys removed their clothes as fast as they could even if it was just to avoid their teacher's hands on them.

"How boring! The music is not THAT fast, you know?"

Yuki was trembling from pure anger and even getting an unhealthy shade of purple on his pale body. Harry whispered to him: "Calm down. Even if he is your brother, if you explode on him you will only get more detentions."

Harry's words had the proper effect and Yuki simply closed his fists and refrained from uttering a single word against Aya.

Aya removed only the towel that covered his body, but left the one protecting his long platinum hair upwards. He entered the hot spring and the boys joined him with miserable expressions. They all kept great distance from one another.

Ayame gave Yuki a pitying gaze and said matter of factly: "Yuki, hope you don't feel intimidated in any way by their willies. Yours is fine as it is."

Yuki turned red and shouted: "WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

"No offense, little brother, but yours is in the medium category. A pity really. I expected more from such a beautiful boy, although it might help if you ever want to cross dress..."

Yuki paled and Harry rapidly whispered to him: "Don't let it get to you." But Yuki was trembling and lifted his hands in front of him to strangle an imaginary neck.

"Now we are going to scrub each other's backs. It's a Japanese custom that we cannot skip!" Aya chirped happily.

"I am not going to scrub another guy's back," Draco said in a very aristocratic tone and assuming a superior pose.

"Let's see how many points I can deduct from Slytherin!" Aya smirked.

"Give me the fucking scrubber then!" Draco spat.

"Language, Mr. Malfoy! And here is what you need!" Aya gave each of the boys a small scrubbing pink towel. "Yuki? You'll do mine!"

"WHAT?"

"It's an order from your older brother and teacher!"

"Fine!" Yuki filled the towel with soap and started to scrub Aya's back in such a way that he could have broken the skin.

"Be gentle, Yuki! Is that the way you are going to scrub your wife's back in the future?"

"You are NOT my wife!" Yuki replied with clenched teeth.

"Of course not, silly! But remember you are practicing and that I'll do your back next!" At those words Yuki softened the scrubbing if only to avoid getting his back sore due to his older brother. As soon as Yuki finished Aya refilled the towel with soap and gently did Yuki's back. "This is how it is done! Observe the master in action!"

Draco and Harry looked at each other uncomfortably while Aya did Yuki's back. Then he turned to them. "So? Who will start?"

Harry took a deep breath, filled his towel with the strawberry smelling soap and started to scrub Draco's back silently. After a while he stopped and then Draco did the same to Harry, also in total silence. The only thing heard in the bathroom was the annoying techno music constantly playing in the stereo.

After they were finally finished, the boys dried themselves and dressed as fast as they could and Aya dressed calmly in white robes that had golden symbols. He then walked and seductively removed the towel from his hair letting it drop and moving it majestically. It shone, cascaded, and moved beautifully like a Mary Sue's hair. Aya's hair was just perfect, but the boys cringed at the sight of such an effect.

After they were again properly in the office Aya didn't dismiss them. On the contrary, he suddenly said: "Today we won't rehearse Briar Rose as we have something more important to do for the fourteenth.

"St. Valentine's?" asked the three boys frightened.

"Of course! What other 14th should I be talking about? Now, this Friday you will all dress like cupids!"

"ARE YOU INSANE? WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER! WE'LL DIE FROM THE COLD!" Draco retorted.

"There are warming spells, Mr. Malfoy! You should know that! For that day you will have to constantly place warming charms upon yourselves!"

Harry looked like he could faint and Yuki's lips trembled and had a blue colour as if he were the ghost of a boy that died by drowning.

"Here are your costumes!" Aya sang.

Three mouths opened wide at the sight of what looked like big terry nappies that would become their only clothing that day and that if not properly placed to cover their dignities they could be exposed to everyone in school.

"You will also have these!" Aya showed them three bows with lots of red and pink hearts adorning the arcs making them... er... colorful. Then Aya showed them pink quivers with pink arrows that had tri-dimensional red hearts that exploded when the arrow was shot and exclaimed in a voice that sounded oddly like Ayame's own voice: "I LOVE YOU!"

* * *

Thanks to: Lady11Occult, The Insane Imortal Dragon, tasukisfoxx - I might think about it, but not sure; echo-waters, miz, and YuriyTalaIvanov! 


	32. The Cupids!

Crazy Author's Notes: I took the idea of the Potions storage closet from mum's Biochemistry lab. She's a Biochemistry technician and in her lab there's a room that serves as storage for the most dangerous stuff. I thought Snape could have something similar. :p

**The Cupids!**

Friday the 13, I mean the 14, came and early in the morning the new boy named Yuki Sohma and Harry had to dress in 'terry nappies' holding them with pins and knots, and strap fake small wings to their exposed backs. They placed warming charms on themselves, grabbed their pink quivers that included the arrows with tri-dimensional red hearts that exploded when shot, and their red and pink hearts adorned bows. After that they somberly left the dormitory. They had been excused from their classes by Ayame Sohma because they were going to bring love grams, flowers, and anything the students asked of them. It had been announced during the previous days in the Great Hall and some students had kept sending pitying gazes in the direction of Draco, Yuki, and Harry while others snickered.

The three cupids had breakfast in the kitchens, trying to avoid being seen since early in the morning even though it was foolish if they were soon to be going around school looking like idiots in underpants. Right after finishing breakfast they went to the basket that had been placed on a pedestal in front of Professor Sohma's office. In that basket were the petitions from students. With a feeling of dread over them they approached the basket, secretly hoping that it would be empty. Of course, they weren't lucky at all as the basket did have cards with requests written on them.

"This is ridiculous!" exclaimed Draco as he picked up the ones requesting him. He read some of them aloud. "I want cupid Draco to bring a mixed flowers bouquet for Pansy Parkinson exactly during Transfigurations class. I want a love song included. Blaise Zabini." Draco added: "I'm going to kill you, Blaise!" He then read another request card: "I want cupid Draco to sing a song to Daphne Greengrass and to please tell her that she is the love of my life. Theodore Nott." Draco looked furious. "I'm going to kill you too, Nott! And from where in Merlin's name they get that I can sing?" Draco looked at the third card requesting him: "I want my lovely Draco to recite Millicent Bulstrode a poem about friendship and tell her that she is the very best friend a girl can have. Pansy Parkinson." Draco looked like he could cry when he said: "Not you too, Pansy!"

Harry noticed that there were some requesting him too and he almost gagged when he read: "I want Harry to sing a love gram to Ginny Weasley on my behalf. Colin Creevey." Then he read: "I want my mate, Harry, to recite a love poem to Hermione Granger. Ron Weasley. P.S. Sorry mate. It's not like I can remove you from your misery..." When Harry read the third one he almost choked. "I want Pothead to bring a bouquet of red roses to Professor Snape, tell him what a marvelous teacher he is, and strip tease for him. Draco Malfoy." Harry gaped and then glared at Draco. "I am so going to murder you! This cannot be accepted as a request!"

"Check again, Potter. It has Professor Sohma's signature on it as approved," Draco sneered.

Harry checked the card and it was true. All the cards had already been approved by the insane DADA teacher. "This is not happening!"

Yuki started to read his own cards: "I want Yuki to bring me a bouquet of pink roses and tell me how much he adores me. Ayame Sohma." Yuki took the second card with trembling hands: "I want my little brother, Yuki, to sing me a song about what a great big brother I am plus feed me heart shaped chocolates. Ayame Sohma." Yuki's lips were now trembling like his hands as he picked up the third card and read: "I want my cute Yuki to recite me a poem about brotherly love and join me for a brotherly dinner tonight. Ayame Sohma."

Draco and Harry had their mouths wide open as they stared at Yuki, but then Harry said: "Well, at least he is your brother..."

"That is exactly one of the roots of my miserable life, having him for a brother," Yuki replied expressionlessly before picking up the other cards that weren't requests from his older brother and teacher.

Harry and Draco also picked up the cards they didn't read to start their 'jobs'. Harry was already planning revenge on Draco though. As soon as Draco and Yuki disappeared from sight Harry returned to the basket, grabbed three blank cards and wrote in the first: "I want Malfoy to bring a red rose to Professor McGonagall in his mouth and dance the flamenco, then striptease for her. Harry Potter." In the second card he wrote: "I want Malfoy to bring a love gram to the headmaster and tell him what a great headmaster he is and how much he admires him. Harry Potter." Then Harry grabbed the third card and wrote: "I want Malfoy to recite a poem to Snape of what a greasy git he is and make a cauldron explode with red and pink glitter. He is good in Potions so he can manage that. Harry Potter." With a sly grin Harry placed the cards in a booth to be revised by Professor Sohma. He knew the crazy teacher would approve them.

After his little deed Harry went first to verify where Ginny was. He confirmed that her first class was Care of Magical Creatures and he headed there. Little by little he humiliated himself by bringing love grams and shooting ridiculous explosive arrows that formed the glittery words: I LOVE YOU. He kept postponing the most dreaded gram until it was the only one left of the first request cards he had collected. Full of fear Harry approached the dungeon and knocked, but no one replied. It was still morning, but it seemed that Snape wasn't teaching at 10:15AM, which was the current time. Harry had finished all his tasks quite quickly, but he knew that more requests would appear throughout the day and that he had to keep on checking the stupid basket and keep on going to the table full of bouquets, songs, chocolates, and all that he needed. Harry had a bag with his school uniform. If he was to strip tease he couldn't do so in only a cupid nappy. He would use his uniform and only strip until he was in boxers. That would be all. Still, he was really angry. He couldn't believe Sohma had approved of such a thing, but at least he would have the joy of having Malfoy stripping for McGonagall...

No one opened the door to Snape's classroom so Harry entered cautiously. He continued making his way through the dungeon and he saw an open door and wondered if Snape was there: "Professor?" he asked nervously, but no one answered. He carefully placed his bag in front of the room along with the bouquet of roses and his wand, entered the door, and noticed that it seemed like a Potions storage closet, although it was a very spacious room. He turned around as he confirmed that Snape was not there and he found himself in front of Malfoy. "Malfoy! You just scared the hell out of me!"

"Just picked up the cards you made for me, Potter. Can't believe the stupid teacher approved them."

"Glad you liked them!" Harry said with a smirk.

"Oh, I did! And I want to repay you for them!" Draco pointed his wand at Harry's current only piece of clothing, the nappy. "Incunabula Evanesca!"

Harry's eyes opened wide when he felt the only piece of clothing he had vanish, leaving him with only the fake tiny wings. "Malfoy!"

With a smirk adorning his lips Draco locked Harry in the Potions' storage room. He smirked even more when he saw Harry's wand placed on top of the bag Harry had left in front of the room.

Harry started to pounce on the door screaming: "Malfoy! You cannot do this to me! MALFOY!"

"Bye bye, Pothead! I'll be checking the Hourglass to see how many points Professor Snape will take from you when he finds you like that." Draco cackled and left.

"MALFOY!" Harry gave up, knowing that his archnemesis would completely ignore him. He checked his watch frustrated and saw the time pass. At 11:00AM he heard a one hour class being taught and at 12:00PM he knew the class would end for the students to go and have lunch. Harry wanted to get out and he was very cold and shivering as he was unable to perform any warming charms on himself without a wand, but at the same time feared being found by Snape.

At 12:05PM Snape was preparing some ingredients for the Double Potions class he would teach at 2:00PM. He decided that he needed some ingredients from his storage room and when he approached the room he noticed a bag with a wand on top of it. He raised an eyebrow and looked around. "What kind of student forgets his whole bag along with his wand? Insufferable irresponsible brats. This student should be expelled for such irresponsibility!" Snape then opened the door abruptly and Harry shrieked. Bright green orbs locked with onyx ones. "POTTER! ARE YOU TRYING TO DESTROY MY POTIONS AND INGREDIENTS?" Snape hadn't noticed Harry's state yet, but he suddenly noticed it and twitched. "Fifty points from Gryffindor for such INDECENT EXPOSURE!"

Harry flinched and ran to his bag, grabbed his wand, and summoned his uniform. He had to finish his 'job' fast. He grabbed the bouquet and gave it to Snape, bowing courteously, then muttered as quick as he could: "YouarethemostmarvelousteacherI'veeverhad!" He then murmured some words with his wand and some music started. He stripped clumsily and when he was in boxers he summoned his clothes again, grabbed the bag, and fled from the dungeon before Snape could have time to emit a single word. Harry was able to get to the basket and grabbed normal cards and one that wasn't normal. It read: "I want Pothead to give a ballet dance to Professor Sohma and then give him a kiss on the cheek. Draco Malfoy."

"Oh, yeah?" Harry asked aloud. "Take this!" He grabbed a blank card and quickly jotted down: "I want Malfoy to give a ballet dance to Mr. Filch and then give him a kiss on the cheek and say: 'You're the best caretaker in the world and I definitely love Mrs. Norris.' Then I want him to 'meow' five times for Mr. Filch. Harry Potter."

After lunch Harry sang for Susan Bones, gave flowers to Professor Vector courtesy of Professor Flitwick, danced the hula for Hannah Abbott as asked by Ernie McMillan, and finally danced ballet ridiculously in his cupid outfit for Ayame Sohma by the end of the school day. The eccentric, mental, and seriously disturbed DADA teacher clapped delighted when Harry danced and knowing full well what was coming next he readied his cheek. "Now give a kiss to uncle Sohma!" With disgust in his features Harry pecked Sohma's left cheek. "Now give me a hug!"

"That's not part of it!" Harry blurted and ran away from Professor Sohma's office.

XxXxX

Draco was furious as he approached McGonagall's office. He placed the red rose in his mouth and as soon as he was in front of the teacher, who had been teaching her third year students, he danced the flamenco in flamenco clothing and then stripteased for the Transfigurations teacher. Her horrified expression was definitely priceless. "Mr. Malfoy! Fifty points from Slytherin for such an atrocity!" she exclaimed. "And in front of my third year students! By Merlin!" Draco rolled his eyes. It wasn't like he had stripped until he was naked... He had just stripped until he was in his cupid nappy. He then left to amuse Dumbledore and shatter his image in front of his Head of House.

Dumbledore had actually chuckled with Draco's love gram and even offered a lemon drop to a very angry Draco before he left the headmaster's office. Draco had a very hard time telling Snape with clenched teeth what a greasy git he was in verses. After making a cauldron explode with glitter and getting only five points deducted from Slytherin he left to check if there were anymore cards for him. He found two normal love gram requesting cards and the one stating that he had to dance ballet for Mr. Filch. Draco started to jump in the middle of the aisle and immaturely screamed: "I HATE YOU, POTTER! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!"

After having barely composed himself Draco went to Filch's office, danced a one minute ballet in his cupid disguise, told Filch about what a great caretaker he was and how much Draco loved Mrs. Norris, gave Filch a quick peck on the cheek, and then meowed five times before running from his humiliation.

By the end of the day at dinner time Harry and Draco were finally in school robes and sending killer glares at each other while Yuki Sohma was having a quiet dinner with his older brother, wishing he was in Gryffindor Table.

Sorry this wasn't posted on St. Valentine's Day! My bad! Still, hope you enjoyed! And thanks to the people that reviewed the last chap/drabble!


	33. The Second Play

Sorry it took so long. I haven't been at my best and I'm still very sick, but felt better today.

* * *

**The Second Play**

The detention after St. Valentine arrived and Yuki Sohma was in the middle of a glaring contest between Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy as they waited for their newest detention to start. Suddenly, in majestic robes that looked like they had been embroidrered with pure gold Ayame Sohma came out of his quarters and graced, or damned them with his presence. "Did you wait long?" he asked with a grin that showed sparkling pearly white teeth.

None of the boys spoke and Ayame whistled and a house elf came with costumes. "This is my assistant for tonight, Orko."

"I will not wear that!" the three boys exclaimed at the same time Orko showed them a light blue fairy godmother gown that was meant to be for Yuki, a pink princess gown that was meant to be for Harry, and some light brown spandex trousers together with a white and gold prince jacket and shirt that were meant to be for Draco.

With just a flick of Aya's hot pink wand the three boys were suddenly clad in the dreaded garments and Aya squealed: "Yuuuukiiiiiiii! You look so cuuuuute!" He started to pinch Yuki's cheeks and Yuki tried to free himself, but fell to the floor miserably with Aya crushing him with a hug.

After Aya finished with Yuki he opened his arms for Draco and Harry making them both yell at the same time: "DON'T YOU DARE!"

Aya then laughed and gave them scripts to practice their parts for the play that would be next Saturday. Finally, the rehearsal got to the part where Harry was supposed to be sleeping and Draco had to wake him up with a kiss. Draco had frozen, staring at the 'sleeping' Harry. He looked at Ayame and said: "I am not going to kiss Potter. One thing was you making me kiss the Mudblood, but I am not going to kiss _this_!"

"My, my! It's only a kiss, Mr. Malfoy!" the teacher said.

"And I won't do it!"

"And I don't want him to do it!" Harry added as he straightened his body and got into a sitting position.

"But it's so easy! Come on, Mr. Malfoy! You can practice with me first if you're scared!" Sohma exclaimed.

"No way!" Draco retorted as Sohma pouted his lips into kissy ones, approaching his face to Draco's. Draco screamed as he extended his arms in front of him, pushing Sohma away.

"Okay, then! I'll show you how to kiss Briar Rose!"

"Gyah!" reacted Harry as Sohma started to pursue him around the office. Yuki lowered his gaze looking terribly tired.

XxXxX

In the end Aya had kissed both Draco and Harry and now both boys were in the bathroom washing their mouths with copious amounts of soap. Yuki looked terribly depressed in his fairy godmother costume while Aya paced around the office, waiting for the two boys that were inside his office's bathroom. "Are you two done?" he asked after a while with his face close to the bathroom door. Suddenly, he grinned. "Oh, I understand! A spark arose between the two of you and now you are both passionately making love in my bathroom! Did you place silencing charms so that I wouldn't be able to hear your 'ooohs, aaaaahs, and yessssss'? I wonder who's on top!"

The bathroom's door opened violently and both Draco and Harry glared at Ayame. "We are NOT doing anything like that!" yelled Harry trembling with rage.

"Finished so soon? You two must be suffering from precocious... climaxing! Mwahahahahahah! I can help you with that! I'll teach you endurance!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Draco asked bewildered.

"Language, Mr. Malfoy!" Aya said waving his index finger disapprovingly.

"Please, brother! You know they weren't doing anything like what you are insinuating!" Yuki said weakly.

"Oh, how boring then! Wait a minute! Yuki! You called me brother!" Aya ran towards Yuki to hug him and Yuki prepared his fist and hit Aya on the head right before the teacher could grab him, sending Ayame crashing to the floor.

"Don't you dare hug me again!" Yuki stated in his delicate voice.

Ayame got up from the floor as if nothing had happened and grinned at the boys before saying, "Now that our rehearsal is over you can change back to normal clothes and..." Aya looked amused at the quickness with which the boys used their wands to change clothes, almost losing his train of thoughts. "Now, Harry! Remember our Twister game? Now it will be much more fun as we have more people to play!"

Harry started to shake his head looking terrfied and that of course made Yuki and Draco uncomfortable, especially to the latter because he didn't even know what Twister was. Draco imagined himself inside a tornado, screaming for someone to rescue him and Ayame Sohma pointing at him and cackling with Peeves by his side as a bonus. Then Potter was added to the imaginary picture laughing his ass off and Colin Creevey was taking pictures of the screaming Draco with a big smile and saying: "It's for you, Harry. Everything is for you. I'll do anything to please you."

Soon Draco woke from his daydream. "W-What is Twister?" he asked looking scared and even gulping.

"A very fun game, Mr. Malfoy! You'll learn very easily!" Aya whistled and Orko brought the game.

The Hogwarts' house elf that Sohma had removed from the kitchen with the headmaster's permission seemed quite pleased to be helping a teacher and Harry thought that sometimes house elves really seemed clueless. Just remembering Kreacher made Harry think like that. How could that house elf think that the Black family had been great? In the case of Winky, how could she defend Mr. Crouch and the man's son? Dobby seemed to be the only house elf Harry had met that actually seemed to have some wits and a logical way of thinking. Orko seemed more like Winky and Kreacher, no matter what craziness Professor Sohma came with, Harry was sure Orko would obey as if the teacher were the most wonderful person in the world.

In minutes Aya had given a flabbergasted Draco a crash course on the game of Twister and Draco was with Harry, Yuki, and the DADA teacher playing with Orko giving the instructions instead of the doll that Ayame had used the night he had played with only Harry.

Yuki had just placed his right hand over a blue circle, almost entangling himself with Harry while Draco was almost crossing paths with the teacher. On the next move Harry started to also add himself to the mess between Draco and Ayame and Yuki somehow ended up under all of them and then Ayame lost his balance and crushed the three boys with Yuki suffering the most because he was under the others. Orko had a hard time trying not to laugh as he saw the sandwich scene with Yuki being squashed under Draco, who had Harry on top, who had Ayame over him. "Why do I have to end under _him_ always?" Harry cried, even if at least he was on his stomach this time.

"You are complaining?" asked an almost muffled voice. "I'm the one being asfixiated!" Yuki tried to yell.

Ayame quickly removed himself from the top and Harry and Draco also straightened up. "Are you alright?" Harry asked Yuki.

"No more, please! I'll end up dead!" Yuki exclaimed panting.

"I'm not _that_ heavy!" Draco retorted defensively.

"It wasn't just you!" Yuki reacted furiously, but blanched when being distraught with Draco, Aya managed to hug him.

"My poor, poor Yuki! He is so delicate and could have ended up with his frail body broken under so much weight!"

"I'm not delicate and let me go!"

"Don't worry, I will protect you, Yuki. Now I'll bath you and give you a massage on that sore delicate body of yours."

"LET ME GO!"

Harry and Draco looked at each other, knowing that they didn't have to envy Yuki at all, but...

Ayame suddenly stopped hugging his little brother and his yellow eyes were shimmery. "The play will be next Saturday and if there is no kiss like it happened in the rehearsal I will deduct three hundred points from both of your houses."

"You can't do that!" Draco and Harry reacted at the same time. By that point in detention they had almost forgotten their mutual hatred that had increased the day before while acting like stupid cupids. (No allusion to Mandy Moore's song)

"Oh, yes I can!" Ayame almost looked like an evil vampire by the way he gazed at the prince and his Briar Rose with an eerie smile on his lips.

XxXxX

Everyone in the Great Hall looked astounded when Dumbledore announced that a new play would be enjoyed that night due to the detention three students were having with Professor Sohma. Flitwick started to narrate. "Once upon a time there were a king and queen who were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. Many fairy godmothers bestowed gifts upon the bundle of joy, but before the last fairy godmother was allowed to pronounce her magical gift, an evil sorceress who hadn't been invited to the celebration appeared in court. She was furious."

At that moment the Great Hall was darkened and when light returned there was Ayame Sohma dressed in black robes and wearing what looked like a diadem with two devil's horns and bat wings. He also had black makeup around his eyes. "So I wasn't invited? Still, as I'm so incredibly nice I will bestow a gift upon the baby too." There was a basket with one of Ayame's 'baby' dolls in it and in front of it were seated quite a jubilant looking Dumbledore as the king and a mortified McGonagall as the queen. How had Ayame convinced them to do it, at least in the case of McGonagall was a mystery. "Little freak, when you reach the age of sixteen you will prick your finger with the needle of a spindle and die. That is my gift to you. Mwahahahahahahahaha!" Then there was darkness and when the lights came Ayame was no longer there.

Flitwick narrated: "After the evil sorceress was gone the king and queen pleaded for the fairy godmothers to break the curse, but they couldn't do anything as they had already bestowed their gifts. There was only one blessing allowed per person, but there was the remaining fairy that hadn't given her gift yet. All hopes were placed on her."

Yuki, dressed as fairy godmother and looking as if he were smelling a decomposed animal approached the basket. "Little one, I would have given you something better, but as it is I will give you the gift of life. You will not die, but you will fall into a deep sleep and sleep for one hundred years. After that time a prince will come and wake you with the miraculous kiss of true love. That is my gift to you."

There was a change of scenery again in which Yuki wasn't present anymore, nor the basket, and Dumbledore and McGonagall were again with the other teachers at their table; and Flitwick read again from his parchment. "The king and queen were horrified because they would have been long dead after the time span of one hundred years, but the kind fairy godmother promised them that she would place the whole kingdom under the same spell so after one hundred years everyone would be alive if the curse was broken. Of course, the day came for the girl to prick her finger."

Harry came into the newly changed scene with a long blonde wig and dressed in his pink princess gown. A temporary spell had been placed on his eyes so that he wouldn't need glasses. Ayame had said glasses would have looked awful on a princess.

Ayame was again in the scene, but dressed as an old hag in front of a spindle. "Come my pretty!" he said mimicking an old woman's voice.

"What are you doing, granny." muttered Harry with a soured expression.

"Spinning, of course! Do you want to try?"

"Sure," Harry replied expressionlessly and approached the spindle. As he tried to touch it he pricked his finger with the needle and collapsed.

"Now my pretty! You are dead! Mwahahahahaha!" Ayame/the old hag laughed maniacally.

After the new change of scene Flitwick read: "On that same day the whole kingdom fell asleep and a thick plant with vines and thorns grew upon the castle, covering it whole and making a vine forest that made the castle unreachable. For years many princes who had heard about the cursed beautiful princess tried to come and rescue her, but died trying to get through the vines. After one hundred years a handsome prince who had also heard the legend decided to venture into the vines too, but as the time was up the vines opened for him instead of blocking his path. The prince was also lucky for the evil sorceress had died many years before too. The fairy godmother had been wise in placing the spell to last for a century. Unfortunately, she was dead too." Flitwick felt strange reading the last sentence, but shook his head.

The last scene finally came and there was a bed in the middle of the Great Hall with Harry as the princess seemingly asleep. Draco came looking as if he was about to die, with a sword in his hand and dressed as a prince, including a royal blue cape and corny royal blue hat.

"Oh." he started expressionlessly. "Isn't this the most beautiful princess I've ever seen. It's so sad that she's been cursed. Now I will wake her with the kiss of true love."

Draco looked as if he were about to cry. He slowly approached his face towards Harry's, repeating in his mind: 'It's for Slytherin. It's for Slytherin. We can't lose points. It's for Slytherin.' He gulped as his lips were close to Harry's and with clenched teeth Harry whispered: "Just get it over with, git! The sooner you do it, the sooner my misery ends!"

Angered by what Harry had just whispered Draco said aloud without realizing it: "Oh yeah? Take this!"

He pressed his lips in a forceful manner against Harry's and green orbs opened abruptly. The only thing that could be heard was Harry saying furiously: "Mhmmm! Hrmph!" Draco then stepped away and Harry straightened on the bed and expressed aloud, "It didn't have to be like that, you prat!"

Both boys suddenly turned beet red and everyone in the Great Hall was laughing, but they were interrupted as Flitwick narrated the last part. "So the beautiful princess was finally awake and it was love at first sight. Everyone in the kingdom woke up from the sleeping spell and the prince and princess were married, had sex, sex, and more sex, and lived happily ever after having lots of sex and many children. Flitwick's face was tomato red by the time he finished narrating and Harry and Draco were gaping in horror.

* * *

Thanks to: Lady11Occult, YuriyTalaIvanov, echo-waters, miz, and BlackMystick 


	34. In Suffering

Yes, I am alive, barely. I'm kidding, but truth is I've been through so much I even got a horrid disease called Writer's Block! Argh! Anyway, here I am again! Idea for a movie came from BlondeHufflepuff22, although her idea was to make them watch Dumb and Dumber or Austin Powers. I chose the one mentioned here instead. Felt it was somewhat... appropriate! Enjoy!

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**In Suffering**

It was a Saturday in the month of March and Yuki Sohma, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy went to yet another detention. It would be Yuki's last, but Draco and Harry would keep suffering forevermore, I mean, for the rest of the school year. With miserable faces, they stood in front of the dreaded door that would open to unleash chaos upon them. The door opened all of a sudden and there was the object of Harry's new constant nightmares, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Dumbledore had brought for that year, the one and only Ayame Sohma.

"Hello boys! We will have so much fun tonight! We are going to watch a movie! Come in! Come in! Don't be shy! Uncle Sohma is harmless!"

Yuki, Harry, and Draco trembled like three terrified bunnies in front of a fox, but Yuki broke their silent tremors. "How are we going to watch a movie? Muggle artifacts don't work in Hogwarts. Miss Granger already made me read _Hogwarts, A History, _a very interesting book with many details about this school."

Harry and Draco gave horrified glances in Yuki's direction as if the boy was some sort of alien. Who in their right mind would let Hermione make him read _Hogwarts, A History, _and to make matters worse, find the book interesting?

"Oh Yuki, Yuki, Yuki. My cute little brother. I am the greatest, Yuki! Your gorgeous, fastastic, and incredible big brother can make the impossible possible and thus, we will be able to watch a movie."

"So, err... What's a movie?" Draco looked honestly confused when he asked.

"Mr. Malfoy! You mean to tell me you have never had the wonderful experience of watching a movie? That is a terrible tragedy, Mr. Malfoy! How can parents abuse their children in such a way! This is child abuse of the worst kind! To not let your child watch a movie! The horror!"

Yuki twitched and Harry rolled his eyes, but then Aya grabbed them and brought them into the office which now looked like a family living room. There was indeed a television set with a VHS, but as there was no electricity in Hogwarts it looked like the set had been tampered with, probably with magic that Harry wasn't sure was legal.

"So, what are we going to watch?" Harry asked, thinking that this detention wouldn't be so bad if they were simply going to watch a movie.

Aya grinned happily before replying. "We are going to watch a great movie called 'The Cable Guy'!"

Draco looked extremely lost. "What is a cable guy?"

"You'll see..." There was an odd gleam in Aya's eyes.

Yuki and Harry hadn't watched that movie so they couldn't really state any opinions about it yet. Sohma went and placed a videotape inside the VHS. He kept bouncing joyfully when the movie started to play.

The movie ended and Harry, Yuki, and Draco looked almost traumatized and stared at their DADA teacher. For some strange reason, even if the movie had been quite bad, they could indentify themselves with Steven and they kept looking at Ayame, thinking that he probably indentified himself with Chip.

"That was horrid! Is that what Muggles call a movie? Well, I don't need that rubbish! Is this bloody detention over?" Draco asked bewildered.

"It will be over soon, Mr. Malfoy, and watch your language. Boys? Don't you just feel like you can indentify yourselves with poor Chip?" Ayame asked, looking saddened.

"Actually--" Draco's mouth was muffled by Harry and Yuki's hands.

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy?" Aya battered his long eyelashes.

"Yes sir, Chip was truly a poor chap," Draco responded, deflated. The truth was that the similarities between their situation and Steven's was more accurate, but Harry and Yuki were right in not wanting Draco to tell the truth.

"Well, go to your beds and have nice dreams. We'll see each other in class, but if you are fortunate enough we'll see each other before that. You know that you can't get enough of your favourite teacher!"

Harry, Yuki, and Draco left the room in sepulchral silence. At least for Yuki, this had been his last detention with his brother, but first thing in the morning he would send an owl to one of his cousins to stop this madness.

**Snape and the Snake 5**

That Sunday Ayame happily pranced into Snape's dungeon after he didn't see Snape during breakfast in the Great Hall. Snape was concentrating over a cauldron, preparing one of the potions he would need for classes the next day.

"Severuuus! Oh Severuus!" Aya's sing song voice interrupted Snape. "I came to bring you some biscuits! Aren't the house elves around here the greatest cooks in the whole wide world? I have to say that the food here is incredible! You know, I once got poisoned in the Sohma mansion because there was this servant girl who was new and used the wrong condiments. One of my cousins told me as a joke that it had been our clan's Head trying to murder me. Why would anyone try to murder someone as beautiful as me?"

"SOHMA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY DUNGEON?"

"I came to bring you some biscuits! Here!" Ayame offered a plate full of biscuits to Snape, but Snape's face looked purple.

"That is a very unhealthy colour in your face, Severus. Have you been eating and sleeping well?"

"NOT SINCE YOU CAME HERE!"

"There is no need to shout, Severus. I have good sense of hearing. See my beautiful ears? I even have a loop earring! Do you like it?"

"GO. AWAY! I AM WORKING!"

"Oh, come on Severus! You need to eat! I bothered to come all the way to this gloomy dungeon you call a classroom because I didn't see you at breakfast!"

Snape's face was completely red and his hands trembled. His hands almost lifted on their own and approached Ayame's neck, but then those hands were lowered and Snape smirked. "Sohma! Would you like to have a taste of this potion?"

"What is it?" Sohma stared at the cauldron curiously.

"It's an Ageing Potion. Maybe it can give you a couple of wrinkles so that you may look mature. Want a taste?"

Ayame blinked several times and glanced at the hot pink watch on his left wrist. "I'll leave the biscuits here, but I have too many things to do, Severus. Toodles!"

In a fast pace, Ayame Sohma bounded out of Snape's office, breathing a sigh of relief as soon as he was out of the door. "Ageing Potion? What is he thinking?"

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Thanks to silverdragoneyes14, miz, Waffo king - No fair predicting the ending of the parody! -pouts- lol, Lady11Occult, echo-waters, YuriyTalaIvanov, and BlackMystick! 


	35. Free an Elf

A/N: Credits to Arithmancy Wiz for the wicked idea for this chapter.

**Free an Elf**

It was the end of March and Ayame Sohma had been making some visits to the kitchens to borrow elves that would help him beautify his office, but there was something bothering the young and handsome Professor Sohma. He didn't like the uniform the Hogwarts elves wore: tea towels stamped with the Hogwarts crest and tied to their bodies. It was simply distasteful in Sohma's opinion and the house elves needed a change of clothes as soon as possible. They needed a change in style and Professor Sohma was sure that he could create the perfect clothes for the elves. Every time he borrowed an elf, he observed the elf, what colour would suit the elf best, what kind of garments would look better on that elf, between other things.

Ayame decided that he had to do something and one day, while visiting the kitchens he suddenly asked, "Don't you ever change clothes?"

All the elves looked at the teacher with perplexed faces and some sent glances in Dobby and Winky's direction, the only elves that wore clothes because they were technically free.

"Professor, sir!" Dobby started. "Dobby is happy to see sir is worried about us house elves. Dobby is always delighted to have new clothes, but not all house elves agree with Dobby, Professor sir!"

"Nonsense!" replied Ayame with a big grin and gesticulating with his delicate looking hands. "This is outrageous! Everyone needs new clothes and thus, I will provide all elves with beautiful new clothes, made by yours truly of course!"

Ayame then muttered an unaudible spell and all of a sudden screams filled the whole castle in the middle of the night, but no one seemed to hear the yells of horror as most were asleep inside Hogwarts walls. All the elves were screaming as they saw the new clothes covering their frames. It was like looking at a rainbow as Professor Sohma had managed all clothes to be different. He had forgotten something very important though, which was to at least sew the Hogwarts crest into the clothing to convince the house elves of using the new clothes as if they were fancy uniforms.

Suddenly, all elves started to run to all sides, looking like colourful flashes of light and after a few minutes, many 'cracks' were heard, the air filling with the sounds of crying and howling elves Disapparating.

In less than ten minutes, Professor Sohma found himself with only two elves in the kitchen, Dobby and Winky. Both remaining house elves were staring at the teacher with horrified expressions. There was silence that was broken by Winky's hiccuping. She still hadn't completely recovered from the addiction she had developed for butter beer, but she had gotten better with time.

"What is Winky to do now? This is Dobby's fault!" Winky said reproachfully between hiccups, angry tears coming from her tennis ball shaped eyes.

"Yes, this is Dobby's fault. Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!" Dobby started to bang his head against the nearest wall, and Professor Sohma stopped him.

"Why are you saying that this is your fault? What in Merlin's name happened? Where are the others?" Ayame was completely clueless.

"Professor! All the elves are free! They were provided with clothes! Now only Winky and Dobby remain, sir! This is Dobby's fault!" Dobby looked scared and a little confused.

"Isn't this my fault? I didn't think that giving them new clothes would set them free..." Ayame stated thoughtfully.

"No! Professor, sir! Never master's fault! Nothing is ever master's fault! It's Dobby's fault! Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!" Dobby started to break empty bottles of butter beer on his head, but he was stopped again by the DADA teacher.

"Oh dear!" exclaimed Ayame as he removed an intact empty bottle from Dobby's hands. "What are we to do now? Who will clean the common rooms during the night? Who will make breakfast tomorrow?"

"No trouble, sir! Dobby and Winky is capable of doing everything!" Dobby didn't sound very sure, but he glanced at a terrified Winky as he spoke. Both house elves looked at each other worried.

**Unexpected News**

In the morning, all students noticed the delay with breakfast and Professor McGonagall kept looking at Dumbledore. "Albus, this has never happened before."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled and he chuckled. "I wonder what has happened, Minerva. Although, there is always a first time for everything, right?" He winked at her, but McGonagall didn't find what was happening very amusing. Things got even worse when Ayame pranced into the Great Hall wearing a neon pink apron with little yellow snake prints all over it. His long hair was in a ponytail and a neon pink cap adorned his head. He had a tray full of loaves of bread in one hand and another tray full of slices of cheese in the other. Right behind Ayame came a happy looking Dobby wearing a light neon blue apron with pictures of a smiling Ayame all over it and a combining cap. Then came Winky, looking almost satisfied, wearing a yellow apron that also had pictures of Ayame all over it and a yellow cap. Both Dobby and Winky had trays with biscuits, slices of ham, butter, bacon, and plates with scrambled eggs. Of course, not all of the trays were in their hands. Some of the trays were floating behind them and going to the different tables. Dobby also started to make plates appear in front of all the students.

"What is the meaning of this nonsense?" asked an infuriated Professor Snape, standing up in front of the faculty's table.

"It's all right, Severus," Dumbledore stated in a calming voice as he also stood up. "I will deal with this. Ayame? Would you care to explain?" Dumbledore was actually almost laughing at the amusing scene before him.

"You see, professor, I kind of caused a teensy bitsy accident last night," Ayame replied nervously, right after getting rid of his trays and having approached the staff table to speak soflty.

"What kind of accident?" McGonagall joined the standing teachers, standing right next to the headmaster.

"Well? I sort of freed all house elves, but I can assure you it wasn't on purpose."

"You did what?" asked McGonagall and Snape at the same time while the other teachers paled.

"You already heard him, Severus and Minerva," Dumbledore answered very calmly. "He freed the house elves."

McGonagall looked like she would have a stroke, placing a hand on her chest and Snape looked like he could kill Ayame on the spot. Fortunately or perhaps unfortunately, non of the students heard the exchange as they ate, thinking that the new way of bringing breakfast was something that had only happened that morning.


End file.
